Dragonball Z: A Big J Parody
by Big J the Gohan Lover
Summary: Simply what the title says. A parody of the original DBZ. My first fic. T for language and violence. Currently Vegeta saga. Nappa gets his butt handed to him.
1. Enter Raditz, Brother of the Carrot

This chapter is rated T+ for brief language.

Disclaimer: Dragon Ball, Dragonball Z, and Dragonball GT are in no way mine, although the script I will be using is mine. Some ideas come from my sister, Little J. Some parts include Toonsai(4kids) and Big Green Dub(British dub) references. This Fanfic is designed to entertain, not to gain.

Note: I suck at writing story beginnings.

Other Note: This not the first Fanfic I started, but it's the first one I've posted so far.

Yet Another Note: Each chapter is designed to take about 10 to 15 minutes to read, maybe more if I feel the need to make it longer. Please enjoy this Fanfic, even if it's kinda crappy.

Chapter 1: Enter Raditz, Brother of the Carrot

It all started with a boring old farmer, piling up the hay. When he looked up, he saw what he believed to be a shooting star. Living in an otherwise remote area, he was not well-educated, so he stupidly ran towards it when the object landed, almost killing the farmer. When the dust cleared, the object was revealed as a large hunk of metal.

"Wow," gawked the farmer. "That is one big microwave." He jumped when the front of the sphere opened, revealing a tall man with a long mane of black hair. "MARTIAN!" exclaimed the farmer. He grabbed a shotgun that came out of nowhere and fired. The stranger held out a hand and caught the projectile. When he opened his hand, it exposed a small blue laser-bullet thing.

"It's not very nice to shoot mysterious objects at visitors," said the space tourist. With a flick of the wrist, he flung the little sucker back at the farmer, killing him. "Um… you were supposed to catch that." He stood there for a moment, then shrugged. "Oh well. I just need to find my brother, Kakkarot. He was _supposed_ to kill the locals." He prodded a small green device over his left eye. "There's a strong energy signature over here. 150. That must be him!" With that, he floated up a few feet, and took off.

-DBZBJP-

The sun was well above Piccolo at this time, being late afternoon, as he stood on a cliff overlooking the Spinach Wastes. It really wasn't much to look at, and to this day, no one is really sure why he would waste his time looking at nothing. He did, however, turn away as he felt a large amount of ki approaching.

_I wonder who that could be_, he thought to himself, right as the stranger landed in front of him.

"Dear Kami," gasped Piccolo. "Don't scare me like that, Goku!"

The alien gave him a blank look. "Who the hell is Goku?" He thought to himself for a minute. "Wait a second. If 'Goku' looks so much like me….Yes! It must be Kakkarot!" He grabbed the scruff of Piccolo's gi. "Tell me where Kakkarot is! NOW!"

"If I knew that, I wouldn't tell you!" spat the green man. "Goku is mine, and mine alone! I'm going to be the one to kill him, got that!" _Oh, crap_, he realized. _This guy's a lot stronger than me! If he's angry, then he might just want to throw me over the cl-_

The man kicked Piccolo over the edge of the cliff. Assuming he was dead, he poked his green device again. "There's another energy signature way to the southeast. This one reads 173. That's GOT to be him this time! He's even hanging out with more locals. Sheesh, what was Freeza thinking, wanting to add this... this _softie_ to our ranks?" A pause. "Oh, well! Orders are orders." He flew towards the energy that he hoped was actually who he was looking for.

-DBZBJP-

Goku was visiting some friends at Kame House. He had a small child next to him. The toddler was much smarter than the man alongside him, and his vocabulary was at least three times bigger. He was the only one of the two actually considering the probability of a pink house resting on an island in the middle of the ocean with an old lech and a talking turtle living in it.

Goku was pleased to find many of his old friends already there: Bulma, Oolong, Turtle, Kame-Sennin himself, and, uh, last but apparently not least, Goku's best friend Krillin.

Goku said hi to everyone, ending with, "Hey, Clearin!"

This upset the monk. "For the last time, Goku, I'm not British." Goku simply crossed one eye, the other pointing slightly upwards. Goku's eyes quickly went back to normal, showing a rare look of concern.

"This can't be good," muttered Roshi. "What's wrong, Goku? Did you lose your lucky Power Rangers figure again?"

"No, I still need to find that," said Earth's savior, his thoughts drifting to his green, black and orange figurine. "First of all, my best friend's paying too much attention to my son…" Everyone looked at Krillin to see him staring at the young boy, drooling. "And second of all," Goku finished, "how am I the only one sensing some total stranger coming towards us!"

Everyone looked towards the shoreline to see the mysterious man just landing. "Wow," said Bulma. "He looks just like you, Goku. Aside from the long hair, armor, brutish face, and bulk."

"So," said the man, "You must be Kakkarot." Goku looked behind him, then thought of something.

"I dunno who Kakkarot is, but I'll see if he's here." He ran into Kame House and yelled, "Kakkarot! A friend of yours wants to see you!"

The "friend" face palmed with an "Ohmygod…" then yelled, "YOU'RE Kakkarot, you rube!"

Goku came back outside. "Uh… I thought I was Goku." The man yelled in frustration and slapped Krillin with his tail, launching him and leaving a hole in Kame House.

"Did you hit your head or something, Kakkarot! You were sent to Earth to wipe out its inhabitants so we Saiyans could sell the planet! It would've taken two or three years to do so! Why haven't you performed your duty, Kakkarot!" He looked down past Goku's sash…. "AND NOW YOUR TAIL IS GONE, TOO! HOW COULD YOU HAVE LET THAT HAPPEN! YOU SHOULD KNOW THAT YOUR TAIL IS WHAT UNLOCKS YOUR FULL POTENTIAL UNDER THE FULL MOON! Most importantly… HOW COULD YOU FORGET YOUR DEAR BROTHER RADITZ!"

Goku stared at him blankly. Raditz had used a lot of words he only heard his son say before. Suddenly, he started laughing. "Why's your name Radish?!" His older brother responded by punching him in the gut, causing him to double over. His son, who had been hiding behind him the whole time, went over to aid his father. "Daddy, are you okay? Daddy!" Raditz reached his hand down and grabbed the tyke by the collar.

"Huh. You have a tail. You must be my nephew, then. Hmmm, I can use you to my advantage." He looked down to the crippled warrior. "Kakkarot, I'll be taking your son. If you come work for me, _and_ kill one hundred humans by the end of the day and bring their bodies here, cime find me and I'll give you your son back. If you fail to do even that and _still_ won't join me… I'll wipe out the entire race! As for my nephew, I'll think of something nice and slow for him. So long!" Raditz flew off with Goku's son, who was crying his eyes out.

"NO, GOHAN!" Goku tried to get up, but his bruised stomach hindered him. "You never told me what dishabille means!" Krillin and Bulma helped Goku to his feet as Roshi wet himself. Oolong quickly followed suit.

"So, what are you gonna do now? You wouldn't seriously murder so many people to save your son, would you? Well, if you're gonna do that, start with Krillin, or better yet, Yamcha!"

"Nah, he'd rather team up with his worst enemy and beat up his own brother and kill himself in the process."

"Actually, that's totally tru-wait, Piccolo?!" Sure enough, the green man was standing on the island with them.

"Yeah, yeah. It's the Demon King, so let's all run like morons and try to drown ourselves. You in this or what, Goku?"

"Uh… okay, but why are you offering to save Gohan?"

"Because that Raditz guy wants to eradicate humanity! That's MY goal! I'm just doing this to erase him so I can rule the world! I promise you, you're next!"

"But... why do you want to rule the world in the first place?"

"I'm an incorruptible supervillain! Duh! Get with the times, man!"

"Okay, whatev's. Let's just go save Gohan. KINTO'UN!" Out of nowhere came a small yellow cloud.

"I don't get WHY you could never just fly, Goku," muttered Piccolo. "Oh, well. Let's just go."

"WAIT!" screeched Bulma. "Gohan had a dragon ball on his hat. Take my Dragon Radar so you can find him faster."

Goku took her Dragon Radar and pressed a button. The radar started beeping, but Goku looked disappointed. "I thought it was a muffin button… Oh well. Thanks anyways, I guess. Bye, guys!" With that the two rivals finally flew off, believing they hadn't forgotten anything. However, they never thought about going to Korin's Tower to get some Senzu beans…

-DBZBJP-

"WAAAH! WAAAH! WAAAAAHHH!" Despite Raditz's warnings, Gohan had refused to shut up the whole trip back to the pod.

"Alright, THAT'S IT!" bellowed the Saiyan. "I told you to be quiet, but NOOO! You just HAD to make it more difficult for me by SCREAMING IN MY FUCKING EAR!" He unceremoniously threw Gohan into the pod and slammed the door. Although this somewhat muffled the demi-Saiyan's cries, they were still clearly heard by Raditz, especially with his acute hearing.

"I might as well find something to eat," said Raditz. He flew off to find some food. When he came back with some fruit, he was glad to find that the brat had quieted down, even though he was still crying.

_Dear God_, Raditz thought. _He better not ruin the seat. _Suddenly, the device on his face started beeping. "What is this!" he cried, his eyes widening in shock. "A power level of 710! That can't be right!" He looked around frantically, searching for the source of energy. When he laid eyes on his pod, the device created a circle around it and beeped again, marking it as the source.

_Damn_, thought the Saiyan. _The Scouter must be busted. There's no way a toddler can have a power level of 710. Besides, he obviously isn't fighting. Like 710 would be a crying brat's power level._

His Scouter beeped, again warning Raditz of a high power level. He looked in Gohan's direction again, and his signature still read 710.

"Damn this lousy machine!" bellowed Raditz. He was about to grab it and throw it to the ground when it beeped again, signaling two power levels coming at him. "No," he muttered. How can it be that they've found me! This time, they read 213 and 248!" Raditz took in a deep breath, calming himself. "So be it. If it's a fight they want, it's a fight they'll get. Oh, if only they knew what they were getting themselves into."

-DBZBJP-

The trip to Raditz was proving pretty uneventful so far. Neither Piccolo nor Goku had said anything so far. It would probably take another ten minutes to get to the Spinach Wastes from where they were. Piccolo was just beginning to think the trip would go smoothly, when…

"Nya nya nya, nya nya nya nya, nya nya nya nyanyanyanya nya nya nya-"

"What are you doing, Goku?'

"It's the Nyan Cat Song. I just think it'll pass the time."

"Well, it's extremely annoying, so NO MORE NYAN CAT!" Goku looked crestfallen. Satisfied, Piccolo smiled and kept flying.

"…Beeng bip, badda bong, bong, beeng bip, badda bong, bong, beeh, beh, brah, buh, beeh, beh, brah-"

"GOKU!"

Goku looked really upset now. "Awww, not even the Crazy Frog Song…?"

"ESPECIALLY not the Crazy Frog Song! Now SHUT UP unless you want me to push you off that cloud and kick you into the depths of-"

"Okay, okay, I get it! Yeesh, just trying to lighten the mood…"

Relieved, Piccolo decided not to further upset Goku. He didn't want him to start crying. It would be even worse than his knack to sing annoying fast-paced music.

The next eight minutes passed in silence. But Goku was bored. "I I-I-I-I I wasn't crazy, I wasn't crazyyy…"

-DBZBJP-

It had been five minutes since Raditz's Scouter picked up Goku and Piccolo's energy. He had decided not to get rid of it, since he decided he could get one of Freeza's other men to fix it. Gohan was still crying, and the Scouter still said his power level was 710.

_I can't wait to get this thing fixed_, thought the Saiyan, _and I doubt that Kakkarot would kill so many humans OR join me at this point. Maybe I should just kill the brat and be done with it. Yes, I think that's what I'll do._

Sadly enough for Raditz, Goku and Piccolo picked that moment to show up. "How did the two of you find me?" inquired the Saiyan. "I made it impossible for you to find me!"

"I find it kind of ironic that you would make such a deal with Goku, and then decide to go into hiding," mentioned Piccolo. Goku looked at a flash card to see what 'ironic' meant.

"I'm guessing that you came here for the boy."

"Yep!" said Goku. "And we're gonna fight you so that we can take him back! Piccolo even promised to fight me afterwards, so we're gonna do that next!" As he said this last sentence, he took off the top part of his gi, letting the blue shirt drop to the ground with a _thud_. He put the gi back on and took off his shoes. He finished by taking off his wristbands, letting them fall to the ground as well.

"Weights, huh?" asked Raditz. "Now Kakkarot's power is at 316."

"I guess I'd better do the same," said Piccolo. He removed his turban and pulled off his shoulder pads.

"Now the green one's at 308," said Raditz. "I wonder how much stronger they can get. No matter. I can take both of them on at once."

"Uh, we can both hear you," said Piccolo.

Goku, who had been looking onto Raditz's pod making baby noises at Gohan, looked up and said, "Huh?" Piccolo face palmed.

"Oh well. Shall we get started?" asked Raditz with a smirk.

Goku grinned stupidly. "Honk yeah!" The three warriors got into fighting stances, preparing themselves for the battle of their lives.

I hope chapter one was at least somewhat enjoyable. I tend to overdo the jokes whenever I write a comedy. I'm new to Fanfiction, so I won't ask for subscribers or reviews, although those would be appreciated. Go ahead and say something bad about this if you want or need to. It will help me out in future stories. If you want to, you can give me advice. If you feel like saying something about this, I'll do my best to answer as many of you as possible. If you have a Dsi, I have a Hatena account as Big J if you want to talk to me there. I spend most of my time there, so chapters won't be coming in very fast. I hope you continue to enjoy the story, anyways!

Shout-out to Queen Bulma-Chan!


	2. Saving Cooked Rice

Disclaimer: I still don't own DBZ, and no, I don't own Dr. Slump, either.

Rated T for brief mild language and some violence.

This chapter came out earlier than I thought it would. Enjoy!

Chapter 2: Saving Cooked Rice

Last time, on DBZBJP, Raditz showed up at Kame House and kidnapped Gohan! He expected poor clueless Goku to kill 100 humans AND join him to sell planets! Instead, Goku made an alliance with his greatest rival and flew over to save the young boy. Little did they know that help would come from an unexpected place…

"Okay, Radish, let's just get this over with."

"I told you, my name's not Radish! IT'S RADITZ!" bellowed the Saiyan. "I mean, how would YOU feel if I called you Carrot, huh!"

"Uh, I'd prefer it if you called me Goku."

This simple sentence enraged Raditz further. "YOU ARE AN IMBECILE!" He vanished and appeared right in front of his younger brother. He gave Goku an uppercut that knocked him high in the air. Before he could recover, Raditz clubbed him in the back with his hands clasped together. Goku plowed right into Piccolo, who had only just begun to realize that the battle had started. They quickly got back up, neither seriously injured, and charged Raditz from opposite sides. The Saiyan simply lifted both feet and kicked them at the same time. It didn't take either of them very long to get back on their feet, but Raditz had vanished, and his ki was all over the place.

"Great, NOW where could he have gone…?" muttered Piccolo.

"Oo, oo, I LOVE hide-and-seek!" said Goku. He was jumping on the balls of his feet, clapping his hands. Piccolo gaped at him, wondering why he became allies with such a dolt. He didn't ponder over this for very long, because Raditz appeared behind him and embedded his knee in Piccolo's back, knocking him to the ground. He skidded quite a few feet, with the monkey-man riding him like a skateboard. When he was sure that Piccolo had eaten enough dirt, he jumped off and noticed Goku looking under a considerably large rock. Raditz tiptoed behind his younger brother, but Goku had picked that moment to stand back up, hitting Raditz's jaw and forcing the Saiyan to bite his tongue.

Raditz was clutching his now bleeding mandible while Goku his head. "Owww…"

"You…you…!" Raditz was obviously not happy. Goku turned around, a sizable lump on his head.

"Oh, hey, I found you!" Raditz was not amused. He hit Goku in the face with a right hook, just as Piccolo grabbed his tail.

"Hey, Goku?" he said casually. "You mind holding this for a sec? Imma try something really quick."

"Okay!" Goku grabbed on to Raditz's tail as Piccolo let go. He held his fingers to his forehead, and electricity crackled around them.

"Um, Kakkarot?" asked Raditz, his voice strained. "Do you mind letting go of my tail? I kind of need it."

"No way! You're just gonna run away! Besides, you took away my son! Why should I let you go now?"

"Because, we're brothers! And I promise to give him back and leave this world in peace!"

Piccolo was still charging his attack. "NO, Goku! There's no way he's leaving peacefully now!"

Raditz was starting to get nervous. His Scouter was telling him that the green one's power level was 1024 and rising. They can mask their true power! Raditz then knew what he had to do, but he didn't like it.

"Pretty…pretty please…?" Hesitation. "With a cherry on top…?"

He now had his brother's interest. "Will there be sprinkles? And fudge?"

"What are you-Yes! Yes! Lots and lots of sprinkles! And mounds of fudge!"

"Well….Okay!" His grip on Raditz's tail slackened, and he kicked Goku in the gut, sending him flying into a rock.

"WA ha ha ha ha! You fool! A Saiyan will do ANYTHING to win! You are BY FAR the stupidest opponent I've ever faced!"

"YOU MORON!" shouted Piccolo. "Masensa… No, Light of… No, that isn't right either…. You know what? SPECIAL BEAM CANNON!" Out of his fingers shot a golden beam with a reddish beam spiraling around it like a drill.

"Hehehe, it looks girly!" Goku couldn't help but point out from his rock.

_Yes, but it's powerful_, thought Raditz. "That's right, just try to hit me!" The beam was coming at him faster than he previously thought. His eyes widened as he jumped out of the way, the beam taking the shoulder off of his armor as it passed. It hit a mountain far behind him. The entire mountain exploded as it made contact, and the shockwave could even be felt from where they were standing, even though they were at least five miles away.

_It would've been bad if that hit me_, Raditz thought. _I better deal with them quickly_.

"YOU! Your insolence just cost you your arm!" He rushed at Piccolo, and before the green man knew it, his left arm was missing, a bloody stump where it used to be. He couldn't help it when he screamed in agony.

"PICCOLO!" shouted Goku. With a yell, he shot out of the rock he was embedded in, and into the air. He cupped his hands to his sides. "Ka…me…ha…me…" A blue light began to emanate from his hands.

"Wait a minute! How much are you two holding back! Kakkarot's at 1048, and still rising!"

"Honestly… I don't know. HAAAAA!" He shot a large blue beam out of his hands. Raditz simply jumped out of the way. It wasn't as fast as Piccolo's attack, nor was it as feminine-looking, but it was definitely not weaker, either. The shockwave alone was able to send Raditz reeling, and Piccolo took advantage of the moment and punched Raditz's already wounded face.

"I've let the two of you become too much of a nuisance!" Raditz shouted, blinded by sheer rage. "NOW YOU WILL ALL DIE!" He floated up high in the air and held our both of his hands. Goku tried to float up to stop him, but the Kamehameha Wave had drained him so much, he could barely stand. Piccolo was simply too stunned at Raditz's growing ki to do anything.

Raditz was beginning to concentrate his ki to each of his hands in the form of golden spheres, which continued to grow until his hands were completely engulfed. He then held his hands out to his sides. "YOU'RE FINISHED! DOUBLE SUNDAY!" He then thrust his hands out in front of him, shooting large twin golden beams. _This will finish them_, thought Raditz smugly.

Goku ran from the beams, but noticed Piccolo still standing in the direct path of the beams. Goku ran back to him and pulled him out of the way, just as the beams made contact with the ground where they had been standing.

The heat alone coming off of the blasts was enough to shred most of the back of Piccolo's gi and to seriously burn both him and Goku. What remained of the top of Goku's gi was now gone. They were both forced to the ground by the following explosion, which engulfed the rivals.

When the dust cleared, Raditz was revealed, panting heavily. He was pleased to see Goku and Piccolo both covered in serious burns, their gis in tatters. _That took a lot out of me_, Raditz thought, still not quite well enough to speak. _They aren't even dead yet. Oh, well. I can still have fun with them_.

He floated down to ground level, right next to his injured brother. He started mercilessly kicking Goku in the ribs. "Heh. This'll teach you to defy your older brother." The younger Saiyan was crying out in pain, yet unable to defend himself. He might actually die in this fight.

However, it is in the darkest of times that miracles happen. Raditz didn't realize that his Scouter was beeping, nor did he notice how frantically. When he finally did notice, his eyes widened in shock.

_No_, he thought. _This simply isn't possible_! He looked over at his pod just in time to see it crack and completely fall apart. Out of the wreckage came Gohan, a look of complete and utter rage upon his face. "His power level…! 1307!"

A dark red ki started to form around Gohan. "How DARE you hurt my daddy!"

Goku looked up from where he lay to see what was going on. Gohan had used Rage. He decided to help his son. "Gohan, use Headbutt!"

In response, Gohan lunged at Raditz headfirst, faster than the eye could see. Upon contact, Raditz's upper armor crumbled, leaving a large hole where he had been hit. There was already a large bruise forming as the Saiyan gasped for breath. A critical hit!

"Yes!" shouted Goku. "It's super effective!"

Gohan's red aura disappeared, his scowl turning into a look of joy. "Daddy! You came!"

"Of course I did," said Goku. "You never told me what profligate means." Gohan immediately shut up.

"Seriously? That's your ONLY reason? Sheesh, I sure am glad I saved your life. I find it astounding that you can remember how to pronounce words but you can't remember what they mean. Your idiocy amazes me to no bounds."

"It was Goku's turn to shut up. "…. Can you repeat that in English?" Gohan started growling at his father, but before he could say anything, Raditz had kicked him hard in the side, sending him a good thirty feet away as well as knocking him out of consciousness.

"You fool!" bellowed Raditz. "How dare you attack so immaturely, even with a high power level! It's attacks like that that make good, handsome characters like me look bad!" He turned and winked at the camera, flashing a grin as he did so. "Well, guess what! I'm gonna kill you with a really, really, REALLY small ki ball that will make YOU look bad! Know the humiliation!"

The angry uncle raised a hand up high and started to form a small yet dangerous ki ball. He was just about to launch it when someone snuck up behind him and pulled him into a Full Nelson.

"Wait, what-Kakkarot! What are you doing! Oh, no, do NOT tell me this is one of those Fanfictions that starts out as an action story and then turns into a Yaoi!"

"Nope! This story will never become a Yaoi. Sorry to those of you who were expecting something! Piccolo! Can you pull off another one of those drill thingies?"

Piccolo was standing up now, with two fingers from his remaining arm to his forehead, electricity again crackling around them. "Yeah, but after this, I won't be able to make another one, so you better not let go, no matter what he tells you!"

Raditz chimed in, deciding this was as good a time to try to escape as any. "Kakkarot, if you let me go, I'll buy you a pizza."

"Tempting…"

"GOKU!"

"Sorry, Raditz, but no."

Raditz sighed and said in the sweetest voice he could muster, "Kakka-I mean, Goku, what if I got you an ice cream sundae with a cherry, sprinkles, AND fudge, AND bought you a family-size triple topping stuft-crust pizza? Would you let go of me then? Pleeease?"

Goku didn't say anything, but his drooling made it clear how hungry he was. "Piccolo…?"

"Okay, okay!" shouted Piccolo. "But only AFTER I launch this thing, alright?"

"Oh, okay! I'll wait for him first, okay, Radish?"

_What a complete moron_, thought Raditz. _He's gonna get us BOTH killed._ Finally, Piccolo's attack was ready.

"SPECIAL BEAM CANNON!" He launched his drill attack straight at Raditz's heart.

"Okay, I think I can let go of you now," said Goku. Before he could drop his older brother, however, the beam had gone straight through and pierced not only Raditz's heart, but Goku's chest as well. Goku let go of Raditz, and the ground rushed up to meet them. Goku looked over at Raditz, unhappy. "You… promised… pizza… and ice cream…"

"Well, I can't exactly do that the way things are right now," muttered Raditz. "Besides… I lied."

The next few seconds passed in silence. "Raditz, you really need to stop lying. One of these days you're gonna hurt somebody."

Piccolo walked up to the two brothers. "Oh, well. They're probably just gonna wish him back with the dragon balls anyways."

Raditz looked up at him. "Dragon balls? Do dragons even have those?"

Piccolo smirked. "There are seven dragon balls. If you can find all seven, you can summon the dragon god Shen Long. He will grant you any one wish, but only one. I don't understand why I'm telling you this."

It was now Raditz's turn to smirk. "You fool. This Scouter not only tracks people and tells me how strong they are, it is also a transmission device. There are two other Saiyans out there that now know about the dragon balls. They will be here in a year's time-"

`"Wait, is that OUR years or YOUR years?"

"Both. All planets for some reason have the same measurements for time, distance, weight, that kind of thing. Hell, we all know Japanese!"

"…Okay, go on."

"Well, anyways, they will be here in one year's time. They will come here to resurrect me, and as a bonus, they're both stronger than I am! There's no hope for Earth. You're all doomed! When I come back, I will wipe out humanity, and they will be there with me! We'll do what Kakkarot didn't have the heart to do!" Raditz smiled. "We will rock this town inside out."

Even Goku couldn't help but say, "Piccolo? Even I think that was stupid of you."

Piccolo looked bored. "I've heard enough." He kicked Raditz's ribs, and his eyes went blank. Raditz was dead.

Piccolo kept his composure for a few more seconds. And then…. "HOLY CRAP TWO MORE SAIYANS THEY GONNA DESTROY US WE GONNA DIE, WE GONNA DIE!"

Suddenly, a ship appeared above him. It landed close to the battlefield. Krillin, Oolong and Bulma ran outside. Roshi stayed in the ship. Even though he was old, he didn't exactly want the Demon King to see him with a fresh stain in his pants. "Ohh, Mud Butt..."

"Oh no!" shouted Krillin. "Piccolo's the only one standing! Goku's DEAD!"

"Sorry," said Piccolo. "Not quite."

Krillin ran to Goku as Bulma took Raditz's Scouter and began tinkering with it. "Goku, you're going to live, okay? You're going to live!"

"Nope. I'm gonna die."

"Wait, what?"

"Clearin, you tell me I'll live. That probably means I'm gonna die. Thanks for jinxing me… Oh well! I'll just train in heaven or something. Bye-bye!" Goku abruptly closed his eyes. He was dead. Krillin started crying in a way that put Gohan's tears to shame.

"Fixed!" shouted Bulma. She was wearing the Scouter.

"Well, that was fast."

"Oh, that reminds me! Roshi's power level is 139. Yours is 206. Huh. What a surprise."

"Are you saying you thought I was weaker than an old man?"

"Yuss."

"….Oh, that's okay, then."

Piccolo interrupted their conversation. "By the way, I'm taking Gohan. He has a lot of potential. I'm going to train him for a year."

`"NO WAY!" howled Bulma. "Chi Chi's gonna get pissed if you take Gohan away!"

Piccolo began rubbing his sore ear. "Too bad. I'm taking the boy, and you can't stop me."

Krillin was looking at the green man's stump of an arm. "Uh, what happened to your-" Piccolo spouted another arm. "Nevermind."

Piccolo grabbed Gohan and slung him over his shoulder. "Gather the dragon balls and bring him back to life. Two more Saiyans are coming in a year. They are a lot stronger than this one. We need to be ready. Now, goodbye!" Piccolo flew off, carrying Gohan away. All the others could do was stand.

Bulma was obviously worried. "Oh sh-"

"Uh, Bulma? Maybe we should warn the others and go see Kami."

"Smartest thing you've said all day. Also, you're telling Chi Chi."

"Oh, alright." The three went back into the ship, Oolong muttering about not having any lines. They then flew off to find the Z-Warriors to prepare for the oncoming battle.

I hope you liked the second installment of DBZBJP! I posted this chapter a lot faster than I thought I would. At the moment there are no reviews, because I posted this chapter too early. Eh, who cares? See you next time!

Shout out to Queen Bulma-Chan and sprsmsh!


	3. Monkeys and Woodwind Don't Mix

Reviewers

Queen Bulma-Chan: lol thanks!

DBZKyoto: I admit I didn't expect to see you here. So, heya! nwn

This chapter is rated T+ for brief mild language and some inappropriate humor.

I like how this fic is doing based on how new it is. It has three reviews, two faves, and two followers. I promise, this isn't very good right now, but it will definitely get better in the Freeza saga. I have plenty in store when I reach the Cell saga. From now on, some humor may be kind of…vulgar. You can still read it if you're at least 14.

From now on, at the end of each chapter, I think I will list the power levels of the main characters of the chapter. I've seen power level charts, but most weren't very accurate. Most also didn't consider factors such as Goku's ssj being weaker when he fought Freeza due to his injuries. That was why Trunks's ssj was so much stronger than Freeza than when Goku fought him. I will do what I can to make power levels as accurate as possible. But for now, please, enjoy the next chapter of DBZBJP.

Disclaimer: I do not own anything in this fic except the jokes, but the muffin button joke in chapter one is from TeamFourStar of Youtube. And yeah, MasakoX. This means I'm not paying you.

Chapter 3: Monkeys and Woodwind Don't Mix

Last time on DBZBJP, Goku and Piccolo challenged Saiyan Raditz to a battle to get back Gohan. The battle was almost too much for them. Even together it was almost impossible to beat him. When all seemed lost, Gohan unexpectedly attacked, stalling Raditz and allowing Goku and Piccolo to prepare to continue the battle. Eventually, they beat Raditz, but at the cost of Goku's life. The others plan on bringing him back, of course. Piccolo then decides to kidnap Gohan and train him. Will Gohan, Piccolo, and the Z Warriors be enough? If you want to find out how they prepare themselves, KEEP READING!

"Huh. So this is the afterlife?" Goku had found himself in front of a humongous red ogre that towered at least three stories over him. "Or is this Shrek?"

"No, you had it right the first time," muttered the ogre, looking slightly offended. Suddenly, a wrinkly green man came running.

"Wait, King Yemma!" he shouted. "I have something to ask of you!"

For some reason, Goku looked really excited. "Holy turd, Yoda!? Have you come to make me a Jedi!?"

"Close. I'm Kami, and I'm about to ask King Yemma to let you train with King Kai." Of course, Goku hadn't even been paying attention to half of what he said. Kami sighed. "King Yemma, does he have your permission to reach King Kai?"

The behemoth thought to himself. He glanced at Goku. "Do you have what it takes to reach King Kai's planet? You'll have to run across Snake Way, which is 10,000 miles long. If you fall off, you'll end up in Hell, never to return. Do you think you're able to do it?"

"Hey, is Raditz on Sesame Street?"

Yemma looked surprised. "Nooo, he's in Hell."

"Oh, then yeah, I can run Snake Way."

"Well, okay. He has a clean record. He's cleared. One of my ogres will take you. Good luck, Goku."

A considerably shorter, skinnier blue ogre walked up to Goku. "Hello, Son Goku. I have come to escort you to Snake Way. Follow me. Come into my car."

Goku laughed. "You remind me of Mr. Popo." The purebred Saiyan obeyed, for he thought the ogre was going to tell him to do shirtless push-ups with him. Mr. Popo had said that it was one of the most efficient exercises. He got into the car and the two drove off together on a mysterious adventure.

-DBZBJP-

Piccolo was flying towards a rocky area. It was similar to the Spinach Wastes, but there was _one_ noticeable difference. This wasteland included a small pond, which was where Piccolo was headed. That's about it. When he landed, he dropped his cargo into the pond. "Wake up, sleepyhead."

The thing he had thrown suddenly sat up, gasping for breath. It was the oddly dressed toddler Gohan. "Wait, where am I?" he asked once he was able to speak. "This doesn't appear to be the location I was in when I was conscious. And where is Daddy?"

"Your dad's dead," replied Piccolo, not in the least concerned. "He committed suicide while I killed your uncle." Gohan gasped when he heard the word 'suicide'. "The others are going to bring him back with the dragon balls. Two more Saiyans that are far stronger than Raditz will arrive on Earth in a year. They will be after the dragon balls and want to destroy the world. We cannot let this happen. I will be training you here for the year. I'm not going to tell you where you are, since you'll probably run away."

"I'm in the Break Wasteland, right?"

"Wow, you're good."

"I'll stay and train anyways. I can't study if there's no planet to study on. I'll defend my home, but I'm going back to studying afterwards, Green Dude."

Piccolo was immediately annoyed. "The name's Piccolo."

"You kidnapped me. If it irks you so much, I'll call you whatever the hell I want, Mister Piccolo."

"If you don't call me just Piccolo, I'LL SNAP YOUR PUNY LITTLE NECK!"

"Whatever you say, Just Piccolo. Oh, and by the way, you're in no position to threaten me. You need me, so you can't hurt me."

"You're such a pain, kid. You know what? I'll just leave you here all by yourself for the next six months. If you survive that long, I'll train you. How do you like that, huh?"

"Wait, what?" Gohan almost immediately lost his tough guy act. "I can't live here all by myself! I'm only four years, five months, twenty four days, seven hours, eight minutes and forty two seconds old! I can't survive on my own out here, I'm not strong enough! I'll die!"

"You mad, bro?" taunted Piccolo. _Well, this seems as good a time as any_, he thought to himself. He picked up Gohan and threw him at a large plateau not far off. Gohan was screaming at the top of his lungs, and he has pretty big lungs. Suddenly, a strange blue aura enveloped him, quickly turning into a ball of light. Gohan's look of fear became one of rage.

_That's it, that's it_, Piccolo thought. "DO IT NOW, GOHAN! USE HYPER BEAM!"

Out of Gohan's blue orb shot a ki blast larger than any Kamehameha or even Raditz's Double Sunday. Upon contact, the plateau was immediately incinerated, barely lasting three seconds. Gohan fell to the ground completely unharmed, although shocked at himself.

"The kid has more power than I thought," muttered the green man. He too was shocked at the boy's capabilities.

"There's no way that was me," stammered the demi-Saiyan. "The probability is simply so slim! Only my daddy can do a blast like that!"

"No," said Piccolo, walking up to Gohan. "Not even your father could do a blast like that. You have a lot of hidden potential. You're stronger than any of us, even me and Goku. The problem is, you can't control it. I'm going to teach you to control your power so that we can use it against the Saiyans."

"If you say so," Gohan muttered with a sigh. "But I'm not gonna stay here unless you personally train me. Otherwise I'm going back home to train, or maybe I'll find a place much more suitable than a wasteland such as this."

Piccolo couldn't help but groan. "Dear Kami, why do you have to make everything so much more difficult than it needs to be? Oh, right. Your mother is a cow, and your father is an imbecilic monkey." When he received a glare from the toddler, he quickly made up his mind. "All right, all right! I'll stay, but I won't be with you. I'll watch you from a distance, and I won't interfere unless something really bad happens."

"Humph. So be it."

"Shut up, kid. You're reminding me of my daddy, who YOUR dad brutally murdered!"

"Whatever, Just Piccolo."

-DBZBJP-

Krillin was wearing the tux that he only wears on special occasions. In this case, there were two occasions. One was to tell the stubborn, raging bull of a woman Chichi about the death of her husband and the kidnapping of her child. The other one was just to prepare for Krillin's funeral.

It didn't take very long for Chichi to make an appearance. "Waddya want baldy? Would you care to come in, dearie? Or are you too cool to come in, is that it?! Well, feel free to join us!" It was then that Krillin knew…. He was doomed. Against his better judgment, he took up her offer.

Krillin, Chichi, and the great Ox King Gyu Mao ate dinner together. Krillin decided that now would be the best time to tell her the news, since she wasn't in one of her mood swings.

"So, um, Chichi, well, I don't know how to tell you this without upsetting you, but, uh, you see, your husband got killed in a battle with his long lost brother, who had kidnapped Gohan. Your son was knocked unconscious during the battle, and was then kidnapped by Goku's worst enemy, Piccolo, to be trained who-knows-where rather than to study, because of two more Saiyans coming to earth for the dragon balls. If they get their hands on those, they'll wish the other Saiyan back and kill everyone, including Piccolo, and if he dies, no one gets brought back. Gohan would get killed, too. The Saiyans won't be here for a whole year, so that's how long Gohan will be gone and how long Goku will be dead."

When the ex-monk finished his story, Chichi looked ready to snap. "You… you are kidding, right? Because if you aren't kidding, I will shackle you to the ceiling of the basement, put a gag in your mouth, skin you alive with a steak knife, and whip your raw, bleeding flesh 327 times-"

"Ehehe, good thing I'm joking then, right?" Chichi's speech had seriously creeped the hell out of Krillin.

"You are? Well, that's good news! Spend the night with us." Like an idiot, Krillin agreed. He should've known that the Son matriarch wasn't as stupid as she seemed.

That night, Krillin was sharing a room with the snoring Gyu Mao. The monk couldn't possibly get any sleep, even without Chichi practically breathing down his neck. But, oh, of course, the Ox Princess was doing just that. Her ragged breath could be heard coming down the hallway. Krillin did the smartest/stupidest thing he could; he crawled out the window, not to be seen for three days.

-DBZBJP-

Goku was just coming out of the blue ogre's car, his breathing labored and his hair even wilder than it normally is. He had been right; those sit-ups really did wonders for your nervous and integumentary systems. Goku was presently at the head of a large stone serpent, its mouth wide open, revealing sharp concrete longer than the Saiyan's legs.

"So, this is Snake Way, huh?" he asked aloud. He turned back to the ogre. "Hey, isn't 10,000 miles like… four inches?"

The ogre just stared at his charge in surprise, his wide eyes even wider than they usually are, giving a look that could easily be mistaken as, "Let's continue our exercises." Soon that dumbfoundedness became blank and smiley once more. "Just trek that thing just like I showed you in the car. Go as fast as you can. Don't stop, even when you're tired. Do you understand?"

Realization dawned on the haloed alien. "Ohhh, so that was what all that training meant!" A thought then popped into his head. "Hey, you know Fortuneteller Baba, right?" The aquamarine ogre just chuckled, so Goku decided to continue. "Okay, well, tell her to tell the others not to bring me back for a whole year."

"Oh, and why is that?" the ogre inquired. "Is it to give yourself time to reach King Kai and train?"

Goku shrugged. "Eh, I dunno. I guess just cause I feel like it." This comment, of course, puzzled the ogre to no bounds. Goku then turned away. "Well, I guess I better get going now."

"Oh, I suppose," muttered the ogre. "No funny stuff, okay, Goku?"

The saiyajin looked back at the ogre. "Okay, whatever that's supposed to mean. Well, thanks mister…. You know, I never got your name."

"The name's Becky Jr." Awkward silence.

"…"

"…"

"….Well, I really have to get going now." Glad for something to break the tense silence, the celestial saiyajin waved and faced Snake Way. He then jumped onto the head and started at a light jog. Not once did he turn back, except that one time twenty minutes into the trip to go back and ask for a cheeseburger. Of course, he couldn't take just one.

Later on, when he had eaten enough food to starve Yemma for half a month, he finally began his journey to save the world.

-DBZBJP-

"WHADDYA MEAN, A WHOLE YEAR!" Bulma was hysteric at Baba's news. "I knew he was an idiot, but what kind of dolt would leave us to defend our own sorry asses when he knows he'll actually make a difference?!" She began to throw one of her everyday tantrums. At the moment, she was wearing her Scouter, thinking it matched her blue spaghetti-strap tank top and tan shorts, and, somehow, it did.

"Calm down, Bulma," rasped the witch. "I'm sure he knows…" Baba went into a coughing fit. She began to clutch her heart, then promptly fainted. Bulma, along with Krillin, Roshi, Oolong, and Krillin, who had been simply watching the argument, stood there, not knowing what to do. Roshi, surprisingly, was the first to snap out of it.

"Well, my dear sister seems to have had another heart attack."

Baba's eyes snapped open. "Dear me," she muttered. "Now what was I saying? Ah, yes, that's right. I'm sure he knows what he's doing. King Yemma told me himself that your friend Goku is running on Snake Way, which will greatly boost his endurance. On the end he will meet the great King Kai, the protector of the North Quadrant of the galaxy, and be trained in the ways of the Kai. This way, he will become much stronger than he would be if he trained on Earth." At this point, the witch was gasping for air, never have talked for so long in her life. She looked ready to have cardiac arrest, but she soon recovered. Once she had, she finished relaying her message. "Oh, by the way, my crystal ball won't show Earth's future, so you're all probably going to die."

The audience audibly gulped. A minute or so later, a faint whirring noise could be heard. Krillin's eyes widened, and goose bumps appeared on his arms, legs, and scalp. "ZOINKS!" He latched himself onto Oolong, making loud chattering noises. The reason soon became apparent. A red air-car was racing over the water. Inside it was none other than Son Chichi, with Gyu-Mao hanging off the rear bumper, hanging on for dear life.

"YOU GET YOUR SORRY BUTT BACK HERE, KRILLIN! I NEED TO TEACH YOU A THING OR TWO ABOUT LEAVING WITHOUT BEING TOLD TO, YOU ASSHOLE!"

Krillin flew off to tell Tien, Chaotzu, Yachirobe and Yamcha what happened so that they could train. However, Krillin wasn't seen until two weeks later. A Blue Star City detective found him in the fetal position hiding under a sewer grate.

So, I hoped you guys liked this chapter, despite it being two months since I posted a chapter. Well, high school keeps me busy enough. Therefore, most chapters will take some where between a month and three until summer comes around. Then, it will probably be somewhere between a day and a month.

I'm fine with flames. Tell me what I can do better, or offer jokes that I can use in the Fanfic. Any review/ follow is very much appreciated, but not necessary. They are welcome, but I won't go "Gimme this," or "Gimme that."

Power Levels

Goku

473 (Dying makes you more durable.)

Gohan

4 (smack-talking Piccolo)

1352 (thrown at conveniently placed boulder)

Chichi

7 (being a generally friendly housewife)

25 (really pissed off)

Piccolo

256 (with weights, resting)

Krillin

209 (resting)

300 (running for his life)

Kami

20 (just for being an old fart)

Roshi

139 (just for being the world's strongest old fart)

I think we're good on that for now. Well, see you later! -Big J


	4. Prepare for the Intergalactic Monkeys

Rawr: Yeah, I remember you! Thanks for checking out my fic! I'm going to try to post more chapters, but that also means less Hatena time. That's why the RP kept taking forever. T-T As for Ultie, he won't be in this Fanfic, but maybe I'll make one about Gohan's life with Homuru, who is Little J's OC. The two of us are doing an RP on paper, and it's basically a mix of a bunch of different anime, as well as having some OCs like Veate(me), Kin'Itsu(Little J)… and yes, Ultie.

Hey, it's me again! This chapter was posted a lot sooner than I thought it would be! I'm sacrificing animating time for this story, and animating is very special to me. That's how much I care about you guys.

If you're wondering what that response up there was about, the OCs I mentioned are from Hatena. Go check out the site and look me up if it kills you…. And now I'm hoping that didn't come out rude….

Well, here's chapter four. Read this at your own risk. It isn't much better than the other chapters thus far. Sigh… at least I can't get worse…. Well, enjoy.

Disclaimer: This does get a little bit annoying to type. Therefore, this goes for future chapters as well. I do not own DBZ, nor do I own many references to things such as Team Four Star, Big Green Dub, Toonsai, songs, other anime, or famous people. Oh, if only I owned Seth McFarlane. He would be so helpful in this! Well, I own the ideas for this Fanfic, and I think this is the first DBZ parody on the site. At least, I couldn't find any others…. Wow, what a weird disclaimer.

This chapter is rated T for brief mild language.

Chapter 4: Prepare for the Intergalactic Monkeys

Last time on DBZBJP, Gohan had been unceremoniously dumped into a lake in the middle of nowhere. Goku was in Otherworld, met King Yemma, and had a meeting with the mysterious young ogre Becky Junior. After leaving the message to keep from bringing him back for a whole year, he took of down Snake Way with no idea of where he was going. Baba told the others the news, but I think they're gonna get the dragon balls no matter what. How will Gohan's wilderness training go? Will Goku be able to reach King Kai without messing up? Most of all, has Krillin started talking to himself yet?! Keep reading and find out!

-DBZBJP-

"Ahhh, now this is how you live the wild life!"

Gohan had been in the Break Wasteland for well over two weeks, and he was already accustomed to the harsh wilderness. Other than poisonous snakes, poison ivy, and the occasional giant man-eating orange dinosaur, he was doing great. He even befriended a purple dragon with mystical healing powers. That definitely had its uses.

At the moment, Gohan was enjoying a nice nutshell full of weird pink berries. Normally, these would be too hard for someone to bite into, but this toddler had pretty strong jaws. The ground began to gently tremble, and it was slowly getting more violent. Gohan looked up from his feast to see a large shape running towards him.

"Not him again," Gohan muttered as he took notice of his rival, the orange dinosaur. Gohan debated whether or not it was a charizard, but he decided it wasn't. Either way…. "You want a rematch? All right! Let's battle!"

Immediately, the image of Gohan in a weird pose rippled and faded to black while playing strange fast-paced music. When the image returned, it was of the dinosaur, with Gohan standing in front of it. Only the half-breed's back was showing. The two each made their respective noises; Gohan's sounding something like, "NEAUUUH!" (Holy crap, how did this word end up in my computer's dictionary?!)

Meanwhile, Piccolo was very close by, hiding behind a small bush that left Piccolo completely exposed. _He'll never find me back here! ewe_

Being the faster of the two, Gohan decided to start with Quick Attack. The dinosaur dodged it and countered with Bite. Gohan managed to get out of the way, but not without one of his arms getting grazed first. He jumped up so he and his opponent were eye level and used Headbutt. The leviathan cringed, giving Gohan time to use Quick Attack again. It made contact with its target, causing it to whimper.

The dinosaur used Growl, and seeing how acute Saiyan hearing is, it forced Gohan to the ground, thrashing about in his agony. Piccolo was also uncomfortable, especially since one of his ears was injured by Bulma in the second chapter. Knowing an opportunity when it saw one, the giant used Body Slam, sending Gohan flying. The toddler, now thoroughly pissed and therefore activating his ability, lunged at his rival, using Thrash, a move he had learned just days prior. The dinosaur lashed out with Tail Whip, effectively breaking some of the smaller fighter's ribs. Gohan decided to play smart and fled the battle.

-DBZBJP-

At about the same time as Gohan's battle, Goku was hauling monkey butt through Snake Way. He had been running nonstop for three days. Before then, he had simply been jogging. Point being, the Saiyan was exhausted.

"I think I'll take a nap here," Goku thought aloud. He plopped down right where he was and passed out instantly. Meanwhile, a street cleaner was coming up the pathway, coming from the same direction Goku had come, yet only just now popping into existence.

"Hey!" the driver shouted. "I'm tryin' ta clean da road here, so ya best be on yer way!" Too bad Saiyans sleep like dead men. Realizing this to be the case, the driver promptly ran Goku over, expelling him out one side, like most American street cleaners do. Goku then fell through the clouds, still unconscious.

Only when Goku fell into a fountain filled to the brim with a thick red liquid did he come to. "That's funny," he muttered to no one in particular. "How did I get here, and where am I?"

Not long after asking the question, a strange small man with a sorry excuse for a mustache came to the fountain. "Yer in Hell," said the funny man. "Or as we like to coll eet, HFIL, but only cuz most vehshons of thees show ah senseetive, and can't stand 'swear words'."

Goku stared at the man for a full minute before asking, "Who are you?"

"Ah is Hitler."

"Oh, you? You're mean and stupid!"

"…"

"…"

Ten minutes later, Hitler stalked off, leaving Goku in the fountain, his blood mingling with what was already in the fountain. He healed almost instantly, being dead and all. As he stood up he was met by two bulky ogres. One was blue with purple hair, and had a wisp of a mustache growing in. He had a single horn on the center of his head. The other was red with slicked back black hair. He had two properly placed horns and wore glasses. The two of them looked like idiots, even compared to the Saiyan.

"Hey, uh, wudder yeh dewin in der blood fountain?" asked the blue ogre.

"Blood fountain?" Goku was surprised. "I thought it was a cranberry filling fountain. How did I get here? I really need to get back to Snake Way to train with King Kai. You know, aliens planning to take over my planet and all."

"Ohh, yesh, yesh, happens all der time," commented the red ogre. "I'm Mez, an' this is Goz. We can herp yeh get back ter Snake Way. But farst, yeh gots te beat Goz at der wrestlin' match." To prove a point, Goz flexed his flabby arms.

"Okay. ReadyGO!" Goku slammed into the unprepared Goz, effectively knocking him over. Both ogres were surprised.

"Well, er, dat's nayvur happened beefar," stammered Goz. "Well, now yeh have ter beat Mez at der race. He's der farstest ogre in all of HFIL." Mez was already running and jumped clear over the fountain, then continued running at a pace even an angry Chichi couldn't match.

"I'm hungry," Goku said out of the blue, not even moving from where he stood. He looked back to see a tree with fruit growing on it. "Oo, pears!" The saiyajin took off running, but definitely not at Mez, who had paused to look at the one who more than matched his pace.

"No!" the crimson ogre bellowed. "Dat's der Yemma tooty frooty tree! No one can touches it!" He jumped clear over the fountain and at Goku. For the sake of the storyline, Goz stood there like an idiot. When Mez had reached Goku, who was about to pluck a piece of the fruit, Goku whipped around to face the ogre and poked him. That was gonna bruise.

"Tag, you're it!" The Saiyan took off running, some previously picked fruit falling as he did so. He happened to be going where the exit to Hell was. He soon disappeared from view, and all Goz and Mez could do was watch.

"Deh, der boss is gonna be sooo mad," muttered Goz.

"Ayup, yer said it," answered Mez.

Meanwhile, King Yemma was busy doing his judging thing when a thud came from his drawer, followed by a muffled "Owww…!" The drawer opened of its own accord, and there was Goku, a sizable lump forming on his temple. He looked up to the flabbergasted Yemma's face as realization dawned on him. "HOLY COWPASTE I GOTTA GO!" Goku was running Snake Way again, much faster than before. Even after the incident was over, the King of Ogres continued to look on.

-DBZBJP-

Krillin and Yamcha landed at Raditz's resting site. Yamcha had a dragon radar in his hands.

"I can't believe you only just told me about this, Krillin," muttered the former bandit.

"Well, I'm sorry that Chichi scared the hell out of me!" Krillin grumped. "I had a very serious situation at the time, and it was all in my head, as if it wasn't bad enough! Because of her I was actually IN THE FETAL POSITION, TALKING TO MYSELF!"

This all actually caused Yamcha to smirk. "Issues," he said in a singsong voice. Krillin just growled.

The twosome walked up to what was left of Raditz's body; it was already mostly skeleton, and a pack of wolves was currently tearing chunks off of it. At the sight of Yamcha, they scampered off, tails between their legs. Krillin began to gag at the stench. Dead Saiyan is pretty rancid. Laying not thirty feet from the carcass was Gohan's hat, the four-star ball resting neatly on top. Krillin went over and picked up the dragon ball.

_How the heck did this thing get sewn on if you can't get a thread through it?_ Krillin marveled. Being a fan of sewing and the like, Krillin inspected the hat a little longer before turning back where Yamcha was. "Hey, we got the dragon b-"

Yamcha was bent over Raditz's deceased body, noisily scarfing chunks at a time. It was all the monk could do to keep his own chunks in his stomach. Yamcha turned at the heaving sounds, blood oozing out of his mouth. "What? I was hungry."

-DBZBJP-

It was a few days after Gohan fought his rival. He had gotten his dragon friend, who he thought about calling Barney until he settled on Icarus, to heal his injuries. Again, came in handy, and now the half-breed was stronger than ever.

It was nighttime, and Icarus was just leaving. "Oyasuminasai, Icarus!"The dragon purred in response until he eventually disappeared.

Gohan looked to his left as he proceeded to urinate, only to find some apples laying there. After zipping up his dignity, Gohan proceeded to have a staring contest with the apples. He lost, so he walked up to them. Not four feet away, Piccolo was hiding behind a conveniently placed umbrella, giggling like a schoolgirl. _This is gonna be sooo funny!_

Gohan picked up one of the apples and let it drop into his mouth. He began to chew, and as he did so, his lips puckered up, almost being sucked inside the toddler's own mouth. He spat out the chewed-up wad of the vile fruit and let his tongue dangle out. "GAHHH, THAT'S HORRIBLE!" Not only was the apple extremely sour, it was maggot-filled and tasted like someone dropped in the toilet after having it stuffed up a skunk's caboose.

Piccolo came out from behind his umbrella, laughing like an idiot. "That is DEFINITELY going on Twitter!" he shouted gaily, pulling an IPhone out of his cape. He turned it sideways as means to access its keyboard feature. "Monkey-boy eats sour, maggot-filled, toilet-soaked, skunk-butted apples. Aaand… Post!" After tapping the IPhone once more, he put it back in his cape, slapped Gohan on the back of the head, and flew off.

"I hate when he tricks me like that," the demi-saiyajin muttered. He looked up to pray to Kami to make the rest of the training to get better, but stopped when he saw a full, shining moon. "Wow, that's so pretty." Gohan was frozen in place, his eyes glazing over as his heart skipped a beat. His tail began to vibrate in response to the mysterious goings-on in Gohan's body.

Piccolo turned around as he felt Gohan's power surge. "That toddler really shouldn't be thinking about stuff like that at his OHHH MY GOD, WHAT THE HELL IS THAT!" The green alien was looking at none other than a giant were-gorilla.

Piccolo flew to the behemoth, which was jumping on the rock it was sitting on until it crumbled, as fast as he could. _What the heck?_ He thought. _Is that…Gohan?_ Sure enough, the thing had the toddler's ki signature, although it was much more feral. Also, he was a giant monkey with glowing red eyes and roared like a very large dinosaur. Other than that, it was just like the chubby little alien scholar. _Yeah, it must be! It's like he's a… a… a great ape or something!_

"How the heck did he get like that?" Piccolo wondered aloud as the Oozaru attempted to turn him into a fried alien fritter. "Didn't Raditz say something about this…?"

~flashback~

Everyone looked towards the shoreline to see the mysterious man. "Wow," said Bulma. "He looks just like you, Goku."

"So," said the man, "You must be Kakkarot." Goku looked behind him, then thought of something.

"I dunno who Kakkarot is, but I'll see if he's here." He ran into Kame House and yelled, "Kakkarot! A friend of yours wants to see you!"

The "friend" face palmed with an "Ohmygod…" then yelled, "YOU'RE Kakkarot, you rube!"

Goku came back outside. "Uh… I thought I was Goku." The man yelled in frustration and kicked Krillin in the stomach, launching him and leaving a hole in Kame House.

"Did you hit your head or something, Kakkarot!? You were sent to Earth to wipe out its inhabitants so we Saiyans could sell the planet! It would've taken two or three years to do so! Why haven't you performed your duty, Kakkarot!?" He looked down past Goku's sash….

"AND NOW YOUR TAIL IS GONE, TOO!? HOW COULD YOU HAVE LET THAT HAPPEN!? YOU SHOULD KNOW THAT YOUR TAIL IS WHAT UNLOCKS YOUR FULL POTENTIAL UNDER THE FULL MOON! Most importantly… HOW COULD YOU FORGET YOUR DEAR BROTHER RADITZ!?"

~end flashback~

"That's right," Piccolo thought as he dodged a giant furry fist. "Saiyans are really strong with the power of the full moon! I guess it counts for half-breeds, too." He continued to dodge the oncoming projectiles coming from Oozaru Gohan for a few more seconds. "You know what? I'm bored. I think I'll blow stuff up with you, Gohan."

The demonic duo then went their separate ways and began blowing mountains up. One of Piccolo's blasts went astray and destroyed the moon. As soon as that happened, Gohan shrank back down to his normal subatomic size. The only difference between him now and him half an hour ago was that he already peed… and was now wearing a diaper.

_Dear Kami, that is just sad_, Piccolo thought to himself. _He's a five-year-old genius, yet he isn't even potty-trained. Stupid Toonsai... Well, I guess I should at least give him some gear_. The green alien stretched a hand out and concentrated for a few seconds. In a flash, Gohan was wearing a gi similar to Goku's, only the undershirt was more akin to indigo, and his chest bore an insignia that read "demon" instead of "turtle". As an afterthought, Piccolo zapped a sword into existence.

_That is gonna be awesome_, Piccolo thought to himself. He took his IPhone back out and snapped a picture. He added captions in big funny white letters that read: "Littul boi wit surd." Then he ripped Gohan's tail off, just for the hell of it. The green man then flew off to do who-knows-what.

I think this chapter is okay. From now on, more of my time will be used to work on this. For my buds on Hatena who are reading this, I will still animate. I'll mostly work on this if I don't feel motivated enough to draw. I also won't do RPs as quickly.

More about this though. I have a favor. I would really appreciate it if you guys had some funny joke ideas for the story. I would be glad to use them, and I'll give you credit for the joke if you want. Remember, I can't give credit if you're anonymous. If you want credit, please use a nickname. Also, flames are welcome and appreciated. Anything to make this Fanfic better. Thank you!

Power levels

Goku

829 (after healing in HFIL)

Gohan

23 (normal)

1583 (fighting)

1624 (healed by Icarus)

16240 (Oozaru)

Piccolo

419 (with weights, resting)

512 (with weights, avoiding giant hairy fists and monkey breath)

Krillin

220 (resting)

Yamcha

197 (resting)

Goz

21 (always)

Mez

18 (always)

That is all. –Big J


	5. Monkeys and Cobras

Why, hello thar. It's me again. I swear, I'm getting these poor things out there faster and faster. Kind of ironic that I should say that. I know that some of you consider chapters late if you don't post it two hours after the first one. Oh, how I wish I had your free time.

Today, we have a special guest arriving to comment on my Fanfic thus far. No one on Fanfiction knows him yet, but he is known and loved by Hatena users! My internet buddies have wanted him here for the past… two weeks! It's… (Drumroll) … Ultie!

Ultie: Shut up.

Me: Nah! I own you, just like I own this fic.

Ultie: You don't own me! Mwa hahaha!

Me:...Well, what do you think so far?

U: It stinks. I'm surprised no one else has told you that yet.

Me: Shows what you know. It's only because you're not in this fic!

U: (glares) Just start typing before I decide to blow this story up.

Me: Fine. Jeez…

This chapter is rated PG for comical and slightly immature humor.

Chapter 5: Monkeys and Cobras

Goku had finally caught up to where he had been before he passed out. He made sure to teach the street cleaner a thing or two.

~flashback~

"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaauuuuuuhhhhh!" _SPLASH!_

~end flashback~

"Well, that sure felt good and pure!" Goku said while brushing dirt off his hands. "Definitely won't have repercussions at all! And how do I know that word…? Oh well!"

About a month later, he made it more than twice as far as he had. The "Yemma tooty froot" was very good at giving him the stamina he needed, not to mention that the Saiyan pedigree had never gone so long without being hungry!

Pretty soon, Goku came up to a large fancy-looking palace with snake statues at the entrance. It was fancy enough to get his attention, that's for sure! "Oo, something shiny! Hey, wait a minute. That must be where King Ken lives!" Of course he remembered where he was going, but not the king's name. Suddenly, a large snake burst through the door. With Goku too stunned and probably too naïve to move, the giant serpent had no problems at all swallowing him and darting back into the palace.

Inside the fancy building, the giant snake's bunghole was visible as it ejected a very disgruntled Goku. He just sat on the floor, taking everything in, covered in feces, when two beautiful blue women came in. One had blond hair and a green dress, while the other had black hair and a purple dress. Goku couldn't take it anymore. He jumped right onto the black-haired one, gray eyes glittering.

"You're so adowable; I'm taking you home with me!" He began to rub his filthy face on the woman's perfect one, said woman pinching her nose in disgust.

"GET THIS SMELLY THING OFF ME!" she shouted. The blonde woman pulled out a revolver and shot at the Renafied Saiyan. The bullet bounced uselessly off of his shoulder and back at the woman's face, knocking her out, as well as some teeth.

"WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING WITH OUR GUESSST?!" The new voice stopped everyone in their tracks. Goku looked at the woman and forgot any relationships he had with Chichi or the raven-headed green woman. This new one was a redhead with a beautiful blue gown that gave the impression of scales, and she had a puffy white boa. Red high heels completed the stunning look. "You ssservantsss should know better than to treat sssuch a handsssome man ssso rudely. Put that gun away, Lindsssay Lohan! Go clean up, Megan Fox!" The enchantress rested her stunningly beautiful eyes on Goku. "Ssso, what'sss your name, cutie?"

Goku gave her a funny look. "My name's not cutie," he commented. He pulled the face mentioned in chapter one. "I'm Son Goku, and my son Gohan diagnosed me with encephalitis!"

The serpent woman could only gape at the Saiyan. "My, that'sss…. You mussst be very sssmart to know a word like that!" She regained her composure. "My name isss Princesss Sssnake. I rule over thisss mansssion. I'm sssorry about Lindsssay and Megan. They aren't my brightessst ssservantsss. Megan is rude, and Lindsay jussst likesss to shoot everything." She gestured to a doorway. "Come with me and I'll give you a bath."

The two made their way to the royal bath room. Lindsay and Megan, who had already cleaned her face, were guarding the door. As Princess Snake and Goku passed, Lindsay cocked her gun and narrowed her eyes. The glare she shot at Goku was very reminiscent of Lunch's.

The serpentine princess and the cockeyed monkey-man walked into a huge room full of showers, bathtubs, sinks, toilets, and hot tubs. Goku couldn't help but smile broadly at all of the shiny porcelain objects. That grin stayed with him long after his sudsy bath.

"Okay," he began, "Now that that's settled, will you train me, King Kai?"

The sudden question startled the centuries-old enchantress. "King Kai? Oh, I believe he'sss jussst five thousssand milesss to the…" She was interrupted by Goku taking her hands in his. The two began a slow waltz while calm beautiful music randomly started playing. Princess Snake soon turned a very bright crimson that contrasted from her pale green skin.

_This man isss a really good dancer_, she thought to herself. _Kind of funny that he thinksss he'sss training with the galaxy'sss greatessst martial artsss massster_. Suddenly, a large tremor shook the mansion, ripping fissures in the marble floor and destroying the ceiling's foundation. It was accompanied with a loud bellowing noise that could have easily terminated someone's hearing. Despite the obvious damage the quake was causing to the mansion and its inhabitants, it was only getting worse.

"What in the name of the Koopa King isss thisss?!" shouted Princess Snake. "There'sss no sssuch thing asss an earthquake in Otherworld! It'sss jussst heard of!" She turned to Goku, who seemed unaffected by the quake, except he was making a rather funny face. "Do you have any idea what'sss going on here, Ssson?!"

The Saiyan in question looked down at the panicked princess. "I'm just hungry, I guess." Everyone who could've possibly heard fell backwards, although not because of the quake. "I don't know why, though. I had a piece of Yemma Tooty Froot a few months ago." A feast was immediately prepared for the ravenous guest. It was gone in but moments.

_Sssoon, the sssleeping grasss will kick in_, thought the princess. _Once it doesss, he'll be knocked out for hourrrs. That'sss more than long enough to devour him!_

The sleeping grass didn't kick in as the devilish princess hoped it would. The Saiyan was still patting his swollen stomach, not in the least bit drowsy. Instead, his high metabolism kicked in, reducing him to his normal size. "I'm hungry."

The princess tried to turn the situation in her favor. "But dearie, don't you want to ressst a while? You mussst be ssso tired from traveling ssso long. King Kai can wait." She realized her mistake too little too late.

"You're not King Kai? And here I thought King Kai was a woman. Well, in that case I really have to go. My friends on earth are waiting for me to come home so I can kill off the rest of my race."

He bolted for the door, but Princess Snake grabbed his arm and made him face her. Her flawless features were no longer quite so flawless. "I'm gonna eat your sssoul you mother f-"

Goku jabbed at her face, stunning her. He made a run for it. He reached the entrance to the mansion in no time. He was almost out. "Man, this place is a maze! I can't find the exit anywhere!" He changed direction and ended up in the princess's chambers. He was cornered.

Princess Snake was just recovering from Goku's jab. With a look that could probably really kill, she hissed, "Releassse the beassst."

The Saiyan was looking under the princess's bed when an eerily spunky tune emanated from all around him. Interest piqued, he looked around the room to find the source of the music. He wasn't disappointed; after a minute of searching, he found his bucktoothed teenager. Goku blanched.

"I know you love me, I know you care!"

Goku fell into the fetal position, clutching his ears and screaming at the top of his lungs. His howling rivaled that of Gohan's. "No, not that! Anything but that! Make it stop, make it stop, make it stop!" Justin Beast was already starting his next song.

"When you smile, I smile. When you hurt, I hurt…."

Suddenly, something in Goku snapped. He yelled, "GET OUT OF MY LIFE, YOU IMBECILIC PACKRAT!" He shot a Kamehameha Wave with as much power as he could muster. The blast effectively eradicated the pop reject, ridding the universe of his taint forever. Thank the Kaios!

Goku's surroundings abruptly changed as he caught his breath and waited for his ears to stop bleeding. The elaborate décor quickly gave way to a long, wet pink tunnel full of twists and turns. Green fluid dripped from the ceiling and gathered on the floor. It ate at Goku's boots and caught his hair on fire.

_You'll neverrr get out of my ssstomach alive!_ bellowed a demonic voice.

Goku did what was probably the most reasonable thing to do at the time; he ran. Either way, he was getting out of there, albeit unpleasantly. Fate decided to do him a favor. As he came out of the mouth of the cave, the first thing he did was stop, drop, and roll.

The snake, apparently the princess, was not willing to let her meal get away. The predator lunged at her prey, baring her fangs, but her prey got away. The behemoth smashed face first into the concrete mass that was Snake Way. In an attempt to at least slow Goku down, Lindsay ran outside and pulled the trigger. It again simply bounced off of him, but it ricocheted off of the princess as well and back to its sender. She was unconscious instantly.

A light bulb lit up just above Goku's halo. He flew straight at the princess. She opened her huge maw wide, making to swallow the kamikaze Saiyan whole. However, instead of flying into her mouth,. He flew above her head and behind her. Her giant head followed him, realizing too late what he was doing. He flew at her tail, then jumped away at the last second.

The leviathan serpent ended up swallowing her own tail. As she gagged, she accidentally sank her teeth into it. She wanted to cry, but if she unclamped her tail, she would surely bleed to death. Her only option was to endure the pain. It looked like she would stay like this for a while.

Goku looked at his handiwork a little bit longer. "That looks familiar somehow. Oh, well." Earth's hero flew away, leaving the princess to her fate.

Well, this chapter wasn't too bad! A filler, but I felt like it should be there. I know his encounter with Princess Snake didn't go quite like that, but idc. I'm sorry if I upset you Bieber fans, but he's got to go! XD Enough of me. Ultie didn't like this. He wasn't in it enough. ewe

Power Levels

Goku

1620 (Yemma Tooty Froot, before Snake)

1793 (Yemma Tooty Froot, after Snake)

Princess Snake

20 (normal)

52 (she-demon)

543 (giant)

Everyone else

Irrelevant.

See ya! -Big J


	6. Are We Done Yet?

Hello, it's me again. Ultie probably won't talk much this chapter. He's too busy gloating that I (kind of) put him in my oneshot, The Break. Also, I'm sorry that the last chapter was boring. I have to agree with you guys there, but for some reason I felt it necessary. Credit to Jillian A.K., author of The Bibidi, Babidi, Buu Chronicles, for the idea of giving Princess Snake sibilance.

I guess I should shut up and give you the chapter. Bon appetit.

Rated T for brief mild language and brief mention of yaoi. Kami, do I hate yaoi…

Chapter 6: Are We Done Yet?

Last time on DBZBJP, Goku accidentally wandered- or rather was unceremoniously dumped- into the mansion of Princess Snake. She was a kind, sexy host, and attempted to devour him. Yes, I used 'kind' and 'devour him' in the same sentence. Thankfully, Goku managed to get away, leaving the princess to chew on her own tail. At the same time, he saved the universe from an evil no one should have to face. What goes on later in this adventure, you'll have to read to find out.

It had been six months since the warning of the oncoming Saiyans was given by Raditz. Gohan was happily gnawing on the leg bone of his old pal, the orange dinosaur. Despite running away from dragons, wolves, and other bloodthirsty creatures at every turn, he was having the time of his life. The toddler had almost forgotten about his green sensei.

That is, until he stepped on a metal contraption that shot cream pie into his face. Sure enough, Piccolo came out of a tree with his IPhone ablaze. "Wait 'til everyone on Photobucket sees this one," he says as a squirrel crawls out from under his turban. After posting, he looked up to see the glaring Saiyan. "So, I guess it's time to really train you, huh? Oh, how I'll miss embarrassing you through the media."

Gohan noticed that the green man didn't seem all too different. "Piccolo-sama, have you been training like I have? You don't seem much stronger than you formerly had been." Piccolo thought back as a sweat drop fell from his forehead.

~flashback

_Tap, tap, tap_. "A shadow passed through the forest, late at night," Piccolo said aloud as he typed on his laptop. "The moon was full and round. The butler searched for his victim in the dim light. He smelled blood, and it was fresh. Yet, the liquid isn't coming from his target. He quickened his pace in the hopes of reaching his master in time.

"It didn't take him very long to find the boy. The blood was everywhere. It was in a pool around the young master, and a large gash went down from his forehead to his lower stomach. A chainsaw did this. The butler leaned in and kissed the poor boy on the lips, hoping to get a reaction. There was none.

"Ciel was dead."

"Chapter seventeen finished, aaand, post. I'm gonna get so popular on Fanfiction! I'm gonna ask for so many reviews and report all the flames! Mwa ha ha hahaha!"

~end flashback

"….Of course I have, heh heh heh…" stammered Piccolo, sweating nervously. Gohan just gave him a look that screamed, 'I don't believe you.' However, instead of simply asking whether or not he was lying, the Saiyan lunged with the sword. If Piccolo hadn't ducked at the last possible moment, his head would no longer rest on his shoulders. "Hey, I wasn't ready yet!"

Gohan narrowed his eyes. "If you had in truth been training, Piccolo-sama, you would have seen the swing approaching and blocked, then perchance you might have used the recoil of the weapon as an opening and jabbed my elbow or wrist to disarm me. You could have even grabbed the hilt and forced me to shift the blade upwards towards my throat, forcing me to capitulate." _Damn, this kid sure knows what he's talking about, doesn't he?_

"Okay, okay, I get it," muttered Piccolo. Gohan came back with a vengeance, sending a jab to the green man's gut. He jumped to the side and grabbed the hilt, then forced the blade to Gohan's throat. The half-breed let go of the rapier.

"Not dreadful," he smirked. "I trust I can make a warrior out of you yet."

-DBZBJP-

Goku had finally reached what looked like the end of the snake. He looked around for King Kai, but he couldn't see anything besides pinkish sky and the pale, yellow, welcoming clouds of Hell.

"Where is King Kai…?" the orange warrior murmured, scanning the area once again. "Maybe Big J will let me in her room and type him into existence right here!" He looked up as he prepared to make the tremendous leap into my room, which is a little creepy, but stopped himself when he saw a small green sphere floating not too high up… for Goku. He wouldn't have paid any attention to it if he hadn't noticed a large blue smudge covering almost half of it.

"I wonder what that is. I should check it out." His eyes shifted from side to side. "Better make sure it isn't a Saiyan or something, right? Hehehe…." Using his lame excuse, he jumped up to the sphere… and landed face first onto it. And to think it was only the size of a pea before! Must be perspective or something.

The Saiyan pulled his head out of the ground with great difficulty, and almost got it stuck again when he fell backwards. "Hey, did I gain another ten pounds when I got here? Oh. Well! Time to find out what the blue spot is!"

Goku crawled to where he thought he saw it. He wasn't disappointed. He looked up to see a fishlike face that was coated in wrinkles. He wore glasses and had antennae attached to a snug hat that seemed to be cutting off circulation to his brain. The gi he wore was black and had red sleeves. The front had a strange symbol that could have been some sort of kanji. Flabby blue skin oozed out of the collar and sleeves, bouncing and jiggling at even the slightest of movements. Disproportionably small feet held up the large king, for it truly was King Kai, and the source of the blue spot. His fat, greasy butt completely overshadowed the entire hemisphere.

"Who dares to invade upon my domain?!" the king boomed, sweat immediately soaking his brow.

"Um…" Goku began, a little disturbed by the sight. "My name is Son Goku. I came here to fight off some Saiyans that are gonna attack my home planet soon. I want to get stronger so that my friends and I can beat them."

"So you wish for me, the great King Kai, the sovereign and guardian of this quadrant of the galaxy, to teach you the most advanced and powerful techniques in the universe so that you may drive your own race to extinction?!"

"Pretty much."

King Kai thought about this, sweating profusely. He grunted and made up his mind. "Very well, but first, you must learn to withstand my planet's gravity. You must catch my monkey, Bubbles." At the mention of his name, a gorilla came up and grunted at Goku.

"My brother," he said in a deep, booming voice that sounded much like the Kai's, "your first trial is to seize hold of me. To accomplish your monumental task, you must train hard in the ways of alacrity and determination. I wish you luck." He then trotted away to the other side of the planet.

"Gee, this is hard," Goku complained once he got moving again. The gravity was almost too strong for him; he repeatedly fell over and had to spend two whole minutes to get up. King Kai watched with interest.

_He holds much potential_, he thought. _I think I can make him the strongest warrior in the galaxy. No… The universe! I may even teach him the most powerful move in my possession…_

-DBZBJP-

Krillin had the worst time of his life.

He, Tien, Chaotzu, Yamcha, and Yajirobe had to share a king-sized bed with Mr. Popo. Yajirobe kept farting in his sleep with the monk in the rear. He hadn't smelled anything as appalling as ninja flatulence since his battle with Bacterian when he was thirteen!

As if that wasn't dreadful enough, Popo seemed to really like to do six-way, if you know what he means. What's more, their chunky sensei enjoyed swatting their butts during training and teasing them with incredibly tight-fitting singlets.

After six months, they were at last permitted to leave, since it seemed that nothing more was to be taught. They were free to do whatever forms of training they desired. The night before they left, Mr. Popo made certain to give them each a very special parting gift to remember him by. Oh, they would by no means forget about him any time soon….

Tien and Chaotzu left for the mountains to train in their favored Crane arts. Yamcha was going to go back to Mt. Paozu with Pu'ar to practice his Wolf style and perfect his Rouga Fufu Ken. Yajirobe would go back to Korin's Tower and eat. Krillin would visit Orin Temple, go to his old room, and think about his life.

As the Z-Senshi left the Lookout, Kami audibly gulped. "Great gibbering monkeys, I guess I'm all alone with you again."

"It appears you are."

"…._Sigh,_ shall we get started?"

"We shall."

-DBZBJP-

_As the months continued on, Gohan continued to teach Piccolo everything he learned in the wild, as well as how to use swords that you wake up with one cock-crow not knowing where the hell it came from. Piccolo also had a lot of practice with his Makankosappo, and now knew how to enunciate it. As a result, he no longer had to shout 'Special Beam Cannon!' or 'Light of Death!' Makankosappo sounds cooler, anyways. Both man and boy got a lot stronger during their sessions, and built up a strong bond. Now they don't find each other nearly as irritating._

_Goku had gotten completely used to the planet's gravity, and even moved better in it than he used to back on earth. He learned a few new techniques and made old ones much stronger. At one point he forgot one of his latest attacks, but he was retaught and no longer forgot. Bulma and the others brought him back with the dragon balls so that he could arrive home and exchange blows with the Saiyans when they arrived._

_The Z-Senshi had all gotten over their traumatic experiences and had their own new abilities to share. Yajirobe, of course, didn't learn a great deal. He still wasn't very quick nor was he very skillful, but in a test of sheer power, he could handle Raditz on his own. In fact, each of them could take on the Saiyan. Even if they couldn't match his strength, those like Chaotzu could best him with strategy. They now, however, had not one Saiyan to deal with, but two, and they are both even stronger than Goku's former brother. This will be a very remarkable battle, without a doubt._

-DBZBJP-

Not even a year had passed since Raditz's word of warning. In Coast City, life was very much normal, as well as oblivious to the fact that there were aliens arriving that were planning on killing each and every one of them.

A little girl was pulling her father by the wrist.

"I told you, darling, we're not going to the ice cream shop today," he said as he was helplessly dragged along.

"I don't want ice cream," she responded, still pulling her now-puzzled dad. They passed said shop and were getting closer and closer to the tattoo shop. Big Daddy immediately stopped his daughter.

"Now wait just a moment, young lady-"

A large pod crushed the poor doll. The now-childless man screamed swear words at the top of his lungs until he, too, was crushed by yet another pod.

People from all over began to examine the peculiar objects. Before long, one opened, then the other. From one came a ginormous bald man with a mustache and a blue gadget over his left eye. His armor was black with yellow shoulder pads. The smaller one was much more lean, and had flamelike locks flowing behind him. His facial device was red. He wore gleaming white armor with neon yellow shoulder pads and had light blue spandex. Both men had odd, furry belts… or tails.

The small one was the first to speak. "Destroy them, Nappa, but try not to demolish the city."

"Aye-aye, captain!" With but a point of his finger, the whole metropolis exploded, not even leaving any buildings to speak of.

"Nappa, what are you doing?!" bellowed the small one, apparently the person in charge. "I told you to simply kill the citizens, you dumbass! You might have shattered a dragon ball!"

"Sorry, Vegeta," Nappa muttered. "I'll be more careful next time."

"You better, or I'll kill you and use the dragon balls to give only myself immortality, get it?"

With a nod from the masculine warrior, the twosome flew off to find who they believed to be Kakkarot.

The Saiyans had arrived.

So, short chapter, but the Saiyans are finally here, yes? I can't wait to mock Vegeta like no tomorrow! XD This will be fun.

Power Levels

Goku

3000 (gets to King Kai's planet)

5000 (leaving the planet)

Gohan

1832 (hey, all he's got is a sword, 'kay?)

Piccolo

1839 (training)

Krillin

829 (resting)

Yamcha

722 (resting)

Tien

793 (resting)

Chaotzu

457 (Even this is probably an exaggeration.)

Sayounara! -Big J


	7. Meet the Monkey Men

Fanfiction is acting kind of funny. It says I have only 8 reviews, when really I have 12. Even more surprising is that there isn't a single flame! For a so-far seven chapter story belonging to a n00b, that's not too bad. Is it? I wouldn't know, since I'm a n00b and all. I would love to thank you all for your lovely reviews, and some of you have some great joke ideas! I'm looking at you, rawr. You've given me a lot of ideas already, and I'm gonna enjoy your latest idea when I get to it. Everyone else, grab your dictionary, because Gohan's telling it.

For those of you who are new to the site as well, I have a tip to make characters sound smarter. If you have Microsoft Word, it'll be easier. Type the desired sentence or paragraph. Right-click some words without highlighting, unless you're using multiple words such as 'easily fooled', then scroll down the list and click 'synonyms'. Scroll down _that_ list and pick the biggest word. Make sure to avoid grammatical errors by looking up that word, because it may not be being used in the right situation. That way, you don't end up with "He be such a pretty man," instead of "He is such a pretty man."

Now, I'll let you guys have your chapter.

Rated T+ for brief mature language.

Chapter 7: Meet the Monkey Men

Last time on DBZBJP, everyone finished training. Do I really need to say more?

Gohan was just finishing Piccolo's lecture on phasing in and out when they sensed three separate power levels. "Can you sense what I am presently sensing, Piccolo-sama?" Gohan asked, his eyes following the source of the energy.

"Yeah," the green man muttered under his breath. "I thought there was only going to be two of them. This is gonna suck, isn't it?"

"That it is," the chibi responded. "What's worse, they are all coming towards us at an extraordinarily fast velocity. There is no time to form an ambush or erect a suitable resistance."

No sooner had those words come out of the child prodigy's mouth when a figure appeared on the horizon, rapidly increasing in size as it neared. The short, bald warrior was flying at them with a hysterical look on his visage.

Wait, bald? Short? If Gohan and Piccolo could accurately judge a Daiyan's appearance by Goku, Gohan, and Raditz alone, they could conclude that Saiyans are tall, for even Gohan was tall for his age, and are very much far from bald. Sure enough, it wasn't one of the space warriors, but none other than midget Krillin. Yep, it was definitely Krillin, and he was _freaking out._

"Holy shit, they're right behind me!" the monk shouted. He just about flew past the two allies in his frenzy. He screeched to a halt right by them. "Sweet, you guys are actually here! Kami, you guys are strong! C'mon, you have to protect me! They thought I was Goku or something and came right after me!"

"Oh, okay," Gohan said, still somewhat surprised. He immediately recomposed himself. "We almost mistook you for one of the Saiyans. You've gotten so strong. You can almost certainly rout even Piccolo! He slacked off the entire year, the baka."

Piccolo was very quick to argue. "Hey, that's not true! I could kick baldy's ass any day of the week I want! He was hardly half as strong as me when Raditz showed up! Not even… uh… a fourth when I was really trying!"

"Aw, come on, Piccolo! You're just saying that because you know I can whoop your green crusty ass!"

Gohan wasn't paying any attention to the bald men's squabble. "Uh, guys? My sources tell me we have dreadfully unsociable company." The two instantaneously stopped bickering and looked up in a slow, dramatic manner. Hovering almost directly above them were the two much-feared Saiyans.

"Well, well, well. Looks like we reeled in three Kakkarots," said the bald one. So, Saiyans _can_ be bald. "Right, Vegeta?"

"Nappa, you are an imbecile," said the one called Vegeta. "It's obvious that neither of these weaklings are the one we're looking for. The one with hair is Kakkarot's brat, the one who headbutted Raditz. The small one is obviously human. The green one is the Namekian that killed Raditz."

"Wait, I'm a what?" Piccolo asked.

"A Namekian. Genus _greenus masculus virginus_. All are hermaphrodites. They develop young by spitting eggs out of their mouth. They are all pacifists, which I personally believe is total bull. Also, they are well-known among the galaxy for being able to craft the dragon balls, which can grant any wish. Since you're a Namekian, I think you made the ones on earth."

"Oh, okay. Thanks for that."

"No problem."

A thought struck the flame-haired monkey. "So, you guys aren't even afraid of us? I mean, we _are_ about to kill you and make ourselves immortal."

Krillin raised a hand. "I am."

"Well, good for you, because when I'm done with you your mother won't look at you in the same way again."

Piccolo put a hand up to his mouth. "Ooo, Krillin just got pwned!"

Krillin, meanwhile, was pretty angry. "HEY! I have a reasonably good-looking face! Besides, she can't look at me anymore, because she's DEAD! Hah, you just got owned by the K-ster!"

Vegeta stared at the little bald monk. "No, all I did was float up here and watch you embarrass yourself."

Piccolo, meanwhile, was filming the whole thing and streaming live to Youtube as Krillin retorted, "No I didn't! YOU embarrassed YOURSELF! Ha! Top that one, loser!" He was rewarded for his 'clever' retort with a punch to the gut.

"NO ONE DISRESPECTS PRINCE VEGETA BY CALLING HIM A LOSER AND LIVES!" At this point, a very nervous Nappa decided to intervene.

"Hey, Vegeta. Maybe we can test them. We can send out the cultivars. That way, you'll also have time to cool off." Vegeta looked at him, anger still very much showing, but was also now mixed with astonishment.

"Nappa. That is probably the smartest thing I've ever heard you say. Now, how many of those things do we have left?" Nappa pulled a small glass vial out of his armor and began counting things that closely resembled peas.

"There are…1… 2… 3… 4… 2… Sixty two of them, Vegeta!" All he got in return was a dumbfounded look.

"Dear Kami, Nappa! There are SIX cultivars in that vial! SIX! ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR, FIVE, SIX! SIX CULTIVARS!"

"Okay, okay, I get it, there's six! Jeez. Well, now to plant these suckers." He poked small holes in the dirt with his finger. He then put a pea thing in each hole and covered them. He pulled a collection of small glass containers out, selected one with a murky green liquid, and put a few drops over each little hole. No sooner had he done that when small, greenish creatures popped out of the ground, wearing silly little green hats.

The cultivars formed a ring around the earthbound trio, then began to quickly spin around them at an accelerating rate. As they did so, they chuckled, "Ho ho ho, you'll never get yer hands on me swirled charms!" After a bit of this, they stopped spinning so that they all faced the heroes.

"Alright,cultivars," started Vegeta. "See those guys right there? The ones you're obviously facing anyways? Well, those fools want to steal your delicious Lucky Charms breakfast cereal. They want to pick out all the icky brown pieces and eat the marshmallowy goodness. Don't let them steal your nutritious breakfast!" In response, they began chuckling again, then jumped back and hissed as three more figures appeared within their circle. Tien, Chaotzu, and Yamcha had finally shown up.

"It's about time you got here," scolded Piccolo. "These guys were about to kill us with space-leprechauns. Now we can each fight one."

"I'll take on the first one," Tien offered. "They don't look very strong. I could even take on all of them at once. Of course, though, I won't. I know how you all have a knack for wanting to risk getting yourselves killed."

"Well, let the man have his fun," the prince said to one of the cultivars. "If you go easy, though, you'll have bigger, less muscular problems to deal with." Gee, I bet that poor thing is totally confused as to what he's talking about, huh? Well, either way, alien and triclops charged into battle.

Tien started by disappearing instead of trying for a hook as the cultivar thought he would. The giant reappeared directly above the dwarf and jack hammered him, forcing him to the ground. It managed to jump away before Tien could pull an elbow drop. It turned to face him and took off its hat. He pointed the brim at Tien, and rainbow shooting stars flew out of it. "Have some of me delicious shooting stars!"

Tien got out of the way just in time, and the stars rammed instead into a mountain, completely disintegrating it. That, my readers, would be the sugar. The triclops shot a minor ki blast at the cultivar, using the opening it left, and left the creature severely injured. Vegeta was quick in destroying it, leaving the Z-Senshi to gape.

"No way," muttered Yamcha. "He destroyed one of his allies? That guy's a freak!"

"Well," ventured Krillin, "It looks like someone has to go next, right?" His gaze slowly shifted to Gohan. A glare was his simple response.

"I'll go," Yamcha volunteered. "Someone has to do it, right? Normally, Krillin, I would make _you_ do it just for bringing up the idea. I sorta can't, though, because you died when Tambourine stepped on your head (Did I get that right? I'm collecting the manga for DB before I watch it. I'm not even at that volume yet, so I don't know). Chaotzu died, Tien already went, Gohan's too young, and if Piccolo dies, so do the dragon balls. I haven't died yet or anything, so it'll have to be me."

Another cultivar walked up to meet the bandit. "Don't go easy, or I'll blow you up, too," Vegeta remarked. The leprechaun shuddered.

The two combatants had a staring contest, but Yamcha lost. With that battle won, the two fazed out and disappeared. Everyone began watching, even though no one could really see what was happening. It didn't take very long before Piccolo began whining.

"Go-chan, I can't see them!"

"That is because they are moving at an impracticable rapidity that cannot be caught by the naked eye," Gohan explained. "Their movements are too quick for the rods in the back of our eyes to grasp, so we must track the ki emanating from the aftershocks of their collisions. As the ki spreads, they reposition themselves, forcing away the ki on one side. Through this we can follow their movements. You eyes are ineffectual, Piccolo-sama, so you have to sense their ki." Piccolo did so, once he figured out what the child genius meant, and his mood quickly improved.

Suddenly, the cultivar made a wrong move and became visible. The lack of movement allowed Yamcha to land a blow that knocked the alien to the ground, causing it to lose consciousness in its own personal crater.

"Well done, my weakling little human," Vegeta said, starting a slow clap. "You got yourself killed." This left the bandit very confused, but he didn't have to dwell on it for very long; the cultivar gave him a bear hug.

"What's it doing?" Krillin asked, his anxiety growing with each passing breath. Nobody, though, could answer his question. The cultivar grinned as it clung tighter and began to glow.

"This is what you get for trying to steal me Lucky Charms breakfast cereal," it said as it began to turn white from built-up ki.

"Wait, what're you-"

_BOOOM!_

A huge explosion took place where Yamcha and the cultivar were standing. The others, except, of course, the Saiyans, had to hold their arms up to their faces to keep from being blown away. It seems that in doing so, one can alter simple physics, since lifting your arms will normally do nothing to increase your mass and make falling backwards any more difficult.

When the dust cleared, all that was left was a huge crater, a lot of smoke, and… Yamcha. He was covered from head to toe in burns and tattered clothing, but he was alive and standing.

"Hey, guys," he said. "I'm fine, see? Hurts like hell, but I really am alive!" He took a step towards his friends, but instantly fell over from exhaustion and died on the spot.

"YAMCHA, NO!" Krillin ran up to his friend and put his head to his heart. He stood back up when he neither felt nor heard a pulse.

"Yamcha," he muttered so no one could here him. "You just had to go and die, didn't you, you idiot. You could've at least let Chaotzu go, since he can't fight to save his own life!" He faced the indifferent Saiyans, a vein pulsing on his overly large forehead. "You guys are gonna pay for this!"

"Why don't you make us?" Vegeta asked coolly. This threw Krillin over the edge. He got into what resembled a power-up stance, but he raised both hands up to the sides of his head. His aura began to form as he built up his power. He opened his mouth and let out a low moan that became a loud scream as he continued powering up. He then let loose his ultimate attack.

"I love the meadow, deep in the heart of June! I love the shadows, dancing beneath the moon! I love the whippoorwill, sitting on my windowsill! Boom-diyadda, boom-diyadda, boom-diyadda, boom-diyadda!"

The noise was appalling and more horrible than was bearable. The Z-Senshi had to cover their ears to block out the noise. The ruckus was too much for the remaining cultivars; their eardrums imploded, soon followed by the rest of their heads. Unfortunately, the Saiyans escaped with nothing but slightly damaged eardrums. Everyone was relieved when the three-minute song was over at last.

"Not ever," began Gohan, nursing his bleeding ears, "In my _entire_ existence… have I heard _any_ noise… _nearly_ as atrocious… as what I have heard today."

"Well, then," started Vegeta, wincing in pain, "looks like even a midget can harm a Saiyan. Well, looks like we'll have to end that." Chaotzu blew up in his apprehension, and Tien was caught in the blast. That left the original three. "Well, that makes it easier, doesn't it? Slaughter time!"

"Waitwaitwait!" stammered Krillin. "Let's wait for Goku! He'll kick all your sorry asses, I promise!"

"Sounds interesting," Vegeta admitted. "Fine, I'll give you three hours. If Kakkarot doesn't show up by then, or if any of you try to run away, you're all dead meat, got it?" With that, the Saiyans sat down.

The wait had begun.

Power Levels

Gohan

1832 (normal)

Piccolo

1839 (normal)

Krillin

1028 (normal)

1270 (singing?!)

Yamcha

885 (fighting)

Tien

843 (fighting)

Chaotzu

500 (he is pretty weak)

Cultivars

1200 (always)

Nappa

4000 (resting)

Vegeta

10000 (resting)

Wow, I keep getting these chapters done in one night, even if I'm not posting every day. I'm taking a lot of my animation time away for this. I hope it's all worth it. Well, see you soon! -Big J


	8. Will Goku Ever Come?

**Dragonball Z: A Big J Parody**

Hello, it's me again. I'm glad you guys are enjoying this, and happy Halloween! This year, I'm dressing up as Android 17, even though I am female. Speaking of which, anyone know of any cheap cosplay stores? I could use an awesome Gohan outfit. ewe

Well, here's the story.

Ultie: Finally! For the love of Kami, set a deadline, woman!

Me: Shut up.

Rated T for brief mild language.

DBZBJP Ch8: Will Goku ever come?!

Last time on DBZBJP, the saiyajins arrived on earth for the dragon balls… and perhaps a purging. They somehow mistook Krillin for Kakarot, aka Goku. The monk soon leads the aliens to the Break Wasteland, where Piccolo and Gohan await. Krillin decides to be a smartass to Vegeta, but gets his butt handed to him instead. The saiyajins release the saibamen, a race of malicious space leprechauns. When those are defeated, resulting in Yamcha's death, the remaining warriors are left to fend for themselves. Finding a way to save himself and his best friend, Chaotzu explodes, taking Tien with him. Krillin, however, unexpectedly prolongs the Z-Senshi's death and buys three more hours. Now, to see if Goku will arrive soon…

Krillin, Piccolo, and Gohan grouped up to come up with a stratagem to beat the saiyajins while Nappa sings pony songs to Vegeta.

"Okay, I think I have one," Krillin muttered so as not to be overheard. "How about Gohan flies up to get Nappa's attention, and while he blasts him out of the sky, Piccolo distracts the other one, and then I kill them both! It's foolproof, and I stay alive! It's perfect!"

The other two just glared at him. "How about one that doesn't stink and get us killed?" Piccolo replied indignantly. "How about this? I charge at the big one, since he's obviously the strongest, and just before I attack, I disappear, only to attack from the bottom. When he's airborne, you, Krillin, will jackhammer him and knock him back to the ground. After that, you, Gohan, will, in words you understand, 'amend his understanding of failure and drive his cadaver into oblivion.'"

"That's a great idea!" shouted Krillin gleefully. "Not quite as good as my idea, but we can totally do it!"

"Wait, don't I get a say in-" Gohan tried to get out before he was interrupted.

"We're doing it this way," Piccolo stated flatly. "It's probably the only way to take out the big, strong one."

"But Piccolo," Gohan started in a matter-of-fact tone. "Please take into consideration that I was the individual who taught you how to strategize, as well as essentially everything else you know. You are entirely underestimating both saiyajins. If you would sense their energy like I taught you, you would recognize that the massive one is not the most powerful, but rather the slighter one. What's more, a much more preferable alternative would be to take turns attacking one of them, enervate them, and finally eliminate them. That way, we can hold an unremitting advantage over them. We won't fatigue as easily or sustain as many injuries."

"I didn't understand a single word of that," Piccolo said. "We're sticking with my idea."

"One hour left," Vegeta confirmed, trying his absolute hardest not to kill his ally. Why he didn't get it over with, he could never guess. He just felt like he needed to wait. He just had this gut feeling…

-DBZBJP-

"So, Goku," King Kai said to his disciple. "It seems as if you live again. Perhaps it is best that you left. The saiyajins have already arrived on earth, and three of your friends are dead."

"But I don't wanna run all of Snake Way!" Goku shouted in defiance. "Besides, I don't wanna go home. It's more fun here!"

"But you must go back!" the Kai said, unable to hide his astonishment. "Your friends and family need you. Also, I believe there is a shorter route I believe you're familiar with."

"There is?"

"Yes. Remember on your way here, you fell down to HFIL, but you escaped using the secret exit that took you back to King Yemma's drawer. Perhaps you can take that same route back." The saiyajin pondered over this.

"You may just have a point there. Thanks, King Kai!" Bubbles trotted over to where the two talked. He wrapped the orange-clad warrior in a suffocating hug.

"Farewell, my brother," he said in his deep, rich voice. "May you be providential in your quest for justice." With that, Bubbles let go, then stepped back.

"Well, I guess this is goodbye…" said Goku. "It was nice meeting you both. I wish I could've seen Gregory, but of course Big J forgot about him two chapters ago. Oh, well. You win some, you lose some, right? Well, I'll be seein' ya!" With that, earth's savior jumped right off the planet, just as a giant mantis stalked up to the remaining two.

"Goodbye, Goku…! Damn, I just missed 'im, didn't I? What does it take to get noticed around here, a giant, fat blue ass?"

"Now watch your mouth, Gregory."

Meanwhile, Goku was making his way through Hell, where he met Goz and Mez again. After some hellos, a fight with the street cleaner, a quarrel with Raditz, three hot dogs and a glass of milk, the saiyajin finally found the exit. He soon found himself in Yemma's drawer once again, being mindful this time to watch his head. He jumped the whole way down, meeting up with Kami not long after. The two locked arms and met at the Lookout. At the sight of Mr. Popo, Goku shrieked and jumped off, then called for his Kinto'un.

After he had jumped onto his beloved cloud, Goku decided he wanted to see Korin. He kept flying down until he saw the Tower, along with the magical cat, who was at the time giving himself a rear-end wash.

"HEY KORIN! STOP LICKING YOUR BUTT AND SAY HI TO ME!" The cat in question jumped and clung to the ceiling by his claws, his fur bristling.

"God dammit Goku, don't scare me like that! I almost lost another life because of you! I only have four left, ya know!"

"Well, so-rry, Mr. Grumpy Gills! Yo, toss me some of those beans, why don'cha?"

"_Hiss_. Fine, but only because the world is in trouble without you, and I have a bath to get back to and want you outta my fur!" After tossing the bag to Goku, he resumed licking and chewing. Satisfied, the saiyajin continued his descent.

Come on, guys. Stay alive, or there will be no more planet to watch Spongebob on.

-DBZBJP-

"Looks like your three hours are up, and Kakarot is a no-show." The five combatants had been waiting and planning, yet Goku still hadn't arrived. Many more plots had been schemed up by the Z-Senshi, but since Krillin's sucked and no one understood what Gohan was saying, they were going to go with Piccolo's original plan.

"Can I fight the green one?" asked Nappa, looking at Vegeta eagerly.

"Not yet. We still need to get information out of him about the dragon balls. We'll kill the baldy, seeing as he's the bigger threat with that cursed voice, then we kill the boy. After that, we get our information, kill the Namekian, get immortality, then haul our macho monkey asses back to Freeza's ship and make him a slave."

"That sounds fun," Nappa cried happily. "So, baldy first, huh? Sounds good to me!" With that, he charged at the unguarded monk.

"Ohmigod, ohmygod, ohmygod! Piccolo, help me!" The Namekian got in between the two, then, sticking with his original plan, disappeared, leaving Krillin to be punched in the face. Only then did Piccolo reappear to kick Nappa to the sky.

"Oh, hah ha, very funny," muttered Krillin, rubbing his quickly bruising cheek.

"I thought it was. Anyways, your turn." Swallowing, Krillin jumped up and jackhammered the flying saiyajin.

"Gohan, do it now!" The half-breed, however, wasn't budging an inch.

"I will not attack him even under these circumstances," he began while Nappa already began to recover. "Even though he is undoubtedly ill prepared to retaliate, my power is insufficient to exterminate him. I may wound him, but the injuries will be minimal. The probability of me being able to physically harm him is 12.809683 percent. Those aren't very astonishing odds if you ask me. I simply refuse to attack." To prove a point, the boy stubbornly crossed his arms.

"Damn it, Gohan, you're USELESS!" With a yell, Piccolo shot his Destructive Wave, while Krillin fired his Kamehameha not long after. Their efforts went for naught as Nappa flew out of the way at the last possible moment. All that was there to show any kind of trouble was a small bruise on one cheek from Piccolo. Krillin then fired his famously used Destructo Disk, and squealed when he found that it hit, even if it was just a scratch.

"Why you…! YOU'LL PAY FOR THAT, YOU TWERP!" The monk was soon knocked senseless as every bit of exposed flesh was beaten to a pulp.

"LEAVE THE MIDGET ALONE!" Gohan lunged into the fray and kicked Nappa in the gut, knowing that it would only serve to distract the saiyajin on steroids. You can imagine that he was quite surprised when he saw the larger warrior go flying. A large crash off in the distance told Gohan that his opponent had finally landed.

"Well, there _is_ always that 12.809683 percent chance that I _could've_ injured him, correct? I must've forgotten to carry the seven."

Back at his nice, cozy little rock, Nappa became consumed by rage. "How _dare_ that little twerp do that to me! _ME!_ Elite Nappa! NO ONE GETS AWAY WITH THAT!" He charged at the boy with a vengeance, but instead of attacking Gohan head-on like he had calculated, he stopped forty feet from him.

"Now, kid. It's time for you to feel true fear… KRGHHH **(1)**!" A large green blast erupted from the bald man's mouth, coming straight for Gohan, who was still too busy trying to calculate Nappa's unexpected reaction to get out of the way. Piccolo instead ran up and took the blast for him. The Namekian screamed as the blast tore at his flesh. Seconds seemed like harsh, agonizing eternities as the beam ceased to be, revealing the injured green alien. He stood for a few more seconds, then collapsed, dying before he hit the ground.

"_NOOO! PICCOLO!_" Gohan ran up to his deceased sensei, forgetting that he was a child prodigy, and knelt down so that he was looking into his face. "Piccolo-sama… Why would you do something so stupid? Now we can't bring anyone back, and I lost my only friend." Unrestrained tears began to fall down to Piccolo's face. Gohan half-expected the tears to bring him back, like in the fairy tales, but he had to accept it; life just isn't a fairy tale.

Gohan cried out with rage, his emotions coming to the forefront. The ground trembled as he screamed, kicking up dust and small rocks. Even Vegeta had to work a bit to keep his footing. He blinked as his Scouter beeped at him.

"Nappa, his power level is over 2100!" The bald man didn't care, he didn't even notice the tremor. All he wanted was to kill that brat.

As Gohan's screaming reduced itself to a very inhuman and uncharacteristic snarl, he turned and gave a glare that could make even the bravest of men tremble in fear. He raised his hands up to is forehead and shouted as loudly as he could, "MASENKO, _HAAA!_" Nappa realized his predicament far too late as the yellow beam engulfed him.

When the dust cleared, Nappa was still standing, looking no worse for wear. The problem was, not only was Gohan exhausted, Nappa was thoroughly pissed.

"_YOU WENCH!_" The bald man charged at the young saiyajin, who fell to his knees, soon followed by the rest of his body.

_I'm sorry, Piccolo. I couldn't avenge you. I'll be seeing you soon…_ All that Gohan remembered after that was a rush of wind as Nappa's boot came down to his head, a crunching sound, then everything faded to black.

**(1)** In Dragonball Z: Attack of the Saiyans, Two of Nappa's strongest attacks were "Move it!" and "Krghhh."

Yeah, yeah. Short chapter, I know.

Power levels

Goku

5000 (resting)

Gohan

1832 (normal)

1908 (mad)

2193 (rage)

Krillin

1028 (normal)

Piccolo

1832 (normal)

Nappa

4000 (resting)

6000 (fighting)

Vegeta

10000 (resting)

Again, happy Halloween, even if it's still the 29th! Big J


	9. The Hero Arrives (Late)

**Dragonball Z: A Big J Parody**

Hey, it's me again. Sorry this chapter took forever to post. My computer has a floppy Drive A Media, whatever that means. Whatever it is, it's keeping me from doing almost everything on my computer. I'm using one of the Study Strong classroom computers to type. It's a Macintosh computer instead of Microsoft, so if I try to add a horizontal line, there will be a huge line underneath every paragraph. Hopefully, no one uses this computer and decides to change this and add random words. Also, the end of this chapter is new. The rest is about half a year old. Sorry for neglecting this.

I know I said that I don't mind flames, but I do not appreciate flames with little thought. For example, Guest said on chapter two, 'you copied team four star'. I would have liked 'Because you used Goku's muffin button joke, I believe that you want to replace Team Four Star'. My answer is: no, I'm not. I simply used one of their jokes, and I gave credit for it. That doesn't mean I'm copying them. I truly am glad that someone was willing to flame me, but I will justify wherever possible. I would like to know exactly what I did wrong.

Anyways, I thank you all for your reviews. This makes me really happy. I hope you continue to enjoy this Fanfic.

Rated T+ for brief mild language and violence.

DBZBJP Ch9: The Hero Arrives (Late)

Last time on DBZBJP, the saiyajins had finished waiting for Goku and went on the attack. While Goku finds a shortcut and gets to earth sooner than expected, he has yet to reach his comrades. Gohan, Piccolo, and Krillin hold their own, but it isn't long before Piccolo dies, and the remaining two heroes are injured. Nappa is about to bring his foot down on Gohan's skull. Will Goku make it in time to save his son... and the earth? You've probably seen the show and therefore know the answer, but keep reading to see how _I_ say events went.

Everything was dark to Gohan. He couldn't see, hear, or feel a thing. The last thing he remembered was Nappa squishing his cranium underneath his massive boot.

_So this is what it is like to be deceased,_ he thought. _Wait a moment. Why is it that I no longer dwell in a plane of existence? My father had resided in the realm of King Kai, had he not?_

Suddenly, the Son boy's eyes opened; he hadn't realized he had closed them. Everything became clear, albeit his vision was a little hazy, most likely due to fatigue. Nappa was standing not too far from him, although not close enough to lunge at him without having time to react. Vegeta was standing about twenty feet from him. Neither of them spoke. Even the wind had stopped, which explained why Gohan couldn't hear anything. The junior scholar also took note that he was floating.

Wait, why was he floating?

Gohan looked down to see that he was indeed hovering about three feet from the ground, on a peculiar yellowish mass. It was Kinto'un! Not being of true material essence, it was a small wonder that he didn't feel anything. But he didn't call for Kinto'un. That could only mean one thing. He looked behind him to find none other that Son Goku himself, but man, was he pissed.

"Dad, it's really you!" For not the first time that day, Gohan forgot how to be a genius, something his mother would surely scold him for. "You actually came! I can't-"

"Not now, Gohan. I have to go kill those bastard monkeys. On the way here, I saw how brutally they killed everyone. I can't find Chaotzu anywhere, and I could only find pieces of Tien." Boy, if he was willing to kill for the sake of revenge, he was much angrier than Gohan previously thought. Gohan decided that it was probably not a good idea to tell him that Chaotzu killed himself and pulled Tien with him, but he didn't have to, for Nappa finally spoke up.

"Hey. what's the big idea?! I was just about to kill your son! Oh,well. You're here now, so I might as well kill you now."

"Hold on a sec, Nappa," Vegeta said; he wanted to give the bald buffoon a test. "Nappa, what does the scouter say about his power level?"

Nappa took his scouter off his face. As he crushed it in his hand, he cried, "IT'S OVER TWO!"

"Uh... Excuse me, but what?"

"That's what the scouter said about his power level, Vegeta. It's over two."

"NOOO!" Vegeta took his scouter in his own hand and, in his frustration, he crushed his as well. "IT'S OVER NINE THOUSAND!"

"What, nine thousand?! There's no way that can be right! Can it?!"

Goku shrugged. "I dunno." The other saiyajins gave him the evil eye. This guy really _was_ an idiot. It must've been a fluke that he was able to kill Raditz. Oh wait, that's right; he didn't.

"Anyways," he continued, "I still have to kill you guys. So Gohan, Krillin. Eat half of this magical healing bean of life and get your tiny butts out of here. You'll only be in my way, and I don't want you guys to die. Krillin, you can die later when I need you to, alright?"

"Actually," Krillin began, frowning, "I have an idea to bring at least Tien, Yamcha, and Piccolo back."

"Well, I doubt it's any good, so I'll hear about it later." Earth's kind alien turned to face Nappa and fell into the infamous Turtle School stance. "Let's dance, baby."

"Uh, alright. Tango or ballet? That's about all I can really do." Goku stared. He was beginning to wonder if he was really the stupidest living creature in the wasteland. Anyways, I think you all know how Goku wiped the floor with Nappa's ass. Nuff said.

_Dammit_, Vegeta thought. _I'll have to step in if Nappa doesn't finish this._

"Well, fuck this," Nappa said. "I'm gettin' the kid and the midget instead. I need to feel better about myself." He turned and flew at Gohan and Krillin, who were well able to move, but for the sake of the story didn't.

Nappa was flying away from him, and Gohan and Krillin were screaming at the top of their lungs. Goku put two and two together. He got seven. Proud of himself, he tried to figure out what was going on, and gasped. "They're in danger!" he yelled. "I'm not going to be able to save them in time!" He hadn't made any moves yet. "I'm gonna have to use my new technique to beat him!" Nappa had almost reached them. "But how am I gonna do that if he's expecting it? I mean, the way he's flying, he'll be able to see me coming and attack me." Of course, Nappa's back was to Goku. If he was careful, he would have been able to hit him. But it was too late, as he sent Krillin flying through a rock.

"Ow, my back!" shouted Nappa. "I've gone an' busted my back! I have paralyzed myself!" He fell over, motionless.

"Idiot," Vegeta muttered. "He pointed a finger at the handicap and fired. "Dirty Fireworks!" Blood, gore, fire, and Toonsai sparkles littered the landscape. Nappa was dead.

"I can't believe it!" shouted Gohan. "He felled an ally with but one flick of his wrist! How powerful he must be to accomplish such a feat!" No one listened, but everyone agreed.

"Seriously you two, you have to leave now," Goku insisted. "You really don't need to stick around."

"Why?" Gohan asked. "Is it because we'd be distracting and in the way, and you don't want to see us killed?"

"Naw, it's because you'd just be useless filler unless something terrible happened to me. If you aren't here, I won't be severely injured by the end of the fight, and Vegeta won't get away!"

"I see no repercussions in this plan at all," Krillin stated slowly. Gohan rolled his eyes. Vegeta stepped up to Goku.

"So, Kakkorot, since you're oh-so powerful, why don't you pick your grave site? Anywhere on this little mudball."

Goku started bouncing up and down and clapping his hands. "Really? Oh, boy! My own grave site! This is the best moment of my life!"

"What about my birth?" Gohan asked hopefully.

"The best moment of my life!" Gohan growled. "Well, imma fly with Vegeta now. Y'all go home, kay? See ya!" The two purebloods flew off to find a place to fight.

"Well, we better listen to him, huh?" offered Krillin.

"Yeah, I guess so. I wish he'd at least take me fishing once before he decides to kill himself."

"Gohan... Sometimes I wonder if you're really only five."

/\_/\

Goku and Vegeta soon found themselves in a land filled with towering rock columns. Strangely, it wasn't too far from where the previous battles took place. The saiyajins landed on top of a column about twenty feet away from each other. Goku was on the shorter one, just because Vegeta wanted to feel like the big boy he was.

"So, you want to die in a place full of rocks," the prince stated. "Somehow, this seems rather fitting."

"Actually," said Goku, "you're the one who's gonna be beaten here."

"How DARE you insult my intelligence?!" Vegeta roared.

"How is that insulate to your intelligible?" Vegeta let out a battle cry and charged at the unsuspecting Earth saiyajin.

The battle had begun.

So, this chapter was a little short. At the beginning, I had forgotten that it was supposed to be a comedy rather than just a retelling. What stinks is that I'll probably be able to get only one more chapter out in the next few weeks. School is almost over, and since this is a school computer, the computer I have is busted, and my laptop isn't allowed to have internet hooked up to it, I may not be able to get anything done except PM people from my 3ds. I could type up the chapters and then hook up the net long enough to post. I really don't know. I was thinking about starting another Fanfic that I can write over the summer so I can type it when I get back. Instead of Nappa and Vegeta coming to Earth, Nappa and Tarble arrive. There is also another saiyajin that had escaped the destruction of Vegetasei. It would be AU, so it would break away from the regular DBZ storyline, rather than just swapping Vegeta for Tarble. Not only would that not be interesting, but those two brothers are completely different people, and would therefore make many different decisions. Anyways...

Power levels

Goku

5000 (resting)

9001 (powered up)

Gohan

200 (exhausted)

1907 (senzu heal)

Krillin

1028 (normal)

Nappa

6000 (fighting)

Vegeta

10000 (resting)

12000 (killing Nappa)

13000 (pissed off at Goku)

Th-th-th that's all for now, folks!


End file.
